All the wrong buttons have been pressed. And now I'm not even sure if I can differentiate.

Its cliched isn't it, to say " it isn't that simple". But let the turn of events speak for itself.

Uncertainty, disrespect, unbridled and unfettered fury, unchecked words, ill-advised actions.

It makes you wonder, for all the committment, for all the love, for all the slavish devotion.

Macht nichts, it matters not. The social divide will remain, and it will not diminish with time either, not without some severe effort exerted.

Social, pah. Twice damned and thrice confounded mind. I'm tired. My mind and body are screaming for sleep. But my assignments are screaming for my attention as well. The assignments scream a whole lot louder.

Auf weidersehen

I shouldn't stay home with nothing to do, it gets me all emo and shit. i begin to question everything. and its not healthy. ah damn it. i should sleep.

Auf weidersehen

Bait and switch. Sometimes your plans work out too well. and when it does, you're not prepared. and time will reveal all, they say. indeed. i don't think i like what i've seen of you recently. and i can't rectify the problem thats been moulding you so. I guess i'll just leave it be.

Auf weidersehen

I find it amusing, and rather fitting, one of my old posts. this is ffrom January 16th this year.

Things will be as they have been since time immemorable. of course, that is not really how things are. Rather its just that i can't really be arsed to do anything about the sorry state of all my affairs. Its rather irritating, how I might actually be able to do something about my state of affairs if i just had the will to do so. But i don't really have the will to, haha nor do i have the want to do so. Things are plodding along at their own pace, with no sign of any impending change in direction. Excellent news. Keeps thing simple so i don't have to adapt to a new situation. Not that there'll be any change which would really herald the need for a whole new facade for me. Some people manage to just step aside and continue onwards. I know i can do that too. But this... it's a small obstruction, yet its so large that i can't just get around it and move on. Even when i know for sure that all hope is gone, i'm still standing here, foolish hope personified, hoping against all hope that eventually there'll be some sense in what i'm doing. Of course, it being a foolish hope, thats not bloody likely to happen. But it doesn't hurt to hope, so they say. Well whoever said that can stuff it... I'm not emo, i'm just feeling unequivocally down, with not much joy behind the smiles i seem to throw around to my friends with so much ease. Its easier to simply run from my own responsibilities, so much easier to simply pretend there's nothing i can do to put things to right. Of course its easier, but not any less painful. The feeling of having your hopes shattered daily, each time the Destroyer cometh. Then, with what scant sanctuary the night brings, you slowly piece together that hope, in the futile hope that one day, the cycle would be broken, and the darkness you've been enduring would be worthwhile. But when you look at that again, you'll realise that kind of shite only happens in fairy tales and movies, its never going to happen in this uncompromising world. If you want something, its simple, you do your damnest to take it. There is no we, or us, it becomes me, myself and I. Things are a helluva crystal clear that way, without any worry about how your actions will eventually create ripples that upset your companions. Without this murkying the waters, perhaps things would be alot simpler. key word: perhaps. In reality i doubt this would be of any comfort. I'm jsut rambling now. I'm feeling like shit and so i'm writing like shit. Eventually it all boils down to the same thing. And eventually, at the end of the day, when things come to pass, when i have the presence of mind to look back upon my actions, i will end up coming to terms with the stupidity of what i have said, done and thought. The knowledge of that brings no comfort to a tired mind. The knowledge of anything doesn't bring any form of comfort. All that i can hope for now is that perhaps this time, after so long, i'll be able to fufill an ambition, i'll not have to back down, with false grace, before one who is less deserving, as i have done for the greater part of my existing life. I would like for just this once, after so long in the shadow of others, i'll finally be able to escape that shadow and come forth once more into the light. Its long overdue, i've been putting the feelings of others before mine in attempt to just blend in, for once, to just feel that i belong. To feel that i'm one of them, to feel that i'm no different from them, that i can say anything i want and not be laughed at, not be mocked for trying to make the lives of others better, by any measure. In that respect, i extend my deepest gratitude to the other 4 members of the GCC. They have oft been my bastion in moments of unbearable despondancy. I may not actually tell them what eats at me, but them just being there to listen to my endless stream of nonsense and for being the people, other than sarah, lixian, xiu ling and henry, that i can call my friends without feeling that twinge if guilt i feel when i utter the same words to others. I've become rather attached to them, all 4 of the silly buggers. Well, there's hope for me yet, if they can say the same about me. Well that lightened me up for a while. But a few moments later i felt the bloody rain clouds pressing me back down. i can't straighten up, I can't see a reason to. I throw my soul into the Union, believing that perhaps this is where i belong. If time proves this to be true, then I would have finally made a good call, a decision which makes all the mistakes i've been blundering into for the past 18 years of my life. They're by far to numerous to name and number, and i can recall, to my great misfortune, a goodly number of them. It's really quite nice, the feeling of finally not being on the losing end of life. Having said that, i would very much like to get a little sample of that feeling. Don't suppose anyone can propose a way to obtain a sample of that? Perhaps i should quit doing what i seem to enjoy doing most, which very obviously seems to be tormenting myself with my endless self-doubt and self-condemnation. Oh and throw in a total lack of self-confidence and abysmally boring self-pity. Step up, out of the pit in which i dwell by my own choice. But as they say, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, so who knows, i may step out only to find myself in a world far worse than the farce i currently reside in. But that can't really be possible can it? I've dug myself a helluva hell hole, no pun intended, and i'm gonna have a helluva time pulling my sorry arse out of it (arse, not ass, since we're supposed to be all british and shit). well chuffed to bits, i'm not gonna pull myself out, until i see a perfectly good reason to do so, other than the fact that it'll make me a happier person.Thats about enough for today. Auf weidersehen
you're so near, yet too damn far

yep, its time! for another one of those days where i update incessantly and with annoying blaise posts.

ok... what shall i talk about? there's jsut so much to say since i updated a few hours ago. been wandering around a strogg for awhile, and even that didn't manage to keep my mind occupied. ok cloning strogg to butcher hapless humans. lets listen/watch/read (whatever you like, you pesky English sod) me ramble on about that! nah then again, i don't want to have to explain what the strogg are first, and talking about them without a brief background would be pointless. so, since 2+2=22, and 273051 as well, i shall not talk about that. instead, i'll have you read another session of me blabbering my nonsense on this stupid web page. isn't that a great idea? oh and as a side note, i may sound insane, or at least marginally so, but there's a point to what i'm saying, and don't say you understand it if you don't. 'cause i often don't understand it either. whoopee doo whup.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog... know the significance of this sentence? leave me a tag if you do, and in case you're thinking what a complete buffon i am for not knowing it, I KNOW WHAT IT IS. i'm just curious whether its commonly known. and speaking of which, did you know that the nursery rhyme: "ring a ring o roses, a pocket full of posses" or something like that, was refering to the great pneumonic plague which put to sleep almost 3 quarters of the European population? heh a nursery rhyme about the Black Death. How amusing is that. and check out the way kids dance to it. Whoever composed it sure had a sense of humour. a rather morbid sense of humour, but there you go. wonder about all the other nursery rhymes. maybe twinkle twinkle little star was composed for the meteorite that obliterated a huge chunk of siberia. but thats a tangent we shan't explore.

ok let me assume the form of both my self and my imaginary split personality at the same time now. So, we're here infront if our computer, typing a whole load of bollocks to somehow pass time and at the same time engaging in a rather interesting conversation with lois. which is no business of anyone but we said that for fun. or did we? Why do we say things? sometimes, we say things merely to complement another things we said previously, and yet it is not obvious to the listener. at times, we realise that we've said something that has a meaning hidden behind only after its been said. Yet it all falls perfectly in place, as though we say it instinctively. but thats not quite possible, is it? perhaps a parallel universe? that would explain alot of anomalies in this world. yet it would create a whole new spectrum of questions. so we'll leave that be hmmm?

History is an interesting thing. and its also something which we cannot be sure of. i mean, sure, we've got all our whiz bang archaeologists and historians and shit, but can we really believe history? there're a few sayings which put it in simple words, and one is that "history is on the side of the big battalions." which is bloody true, i mean think about it. Lets use the Second World War as an example. History says, Hitler is evil. While i'm not saying he isn't, it doesn't address the other side. Before the war, and all the way from the leadup till the first day, european and american companies supplied hitler's industries with the steel and raw materials to churn out his war machines. then when the war broke out proper, they made a fortune selling the Allies steel to crush Hitler's steel. and at the end of the war, Hitler is proclaimed evil. it applies to all aspects of life, and through out all the time periods. The victor always writes the history books, so the history books tell their side of the story. history isn't really something thats set in stone, we can't just take everything we see at face value and accept it wholesale. But all this is, as always, unimportant, unintelligent, unkindred and totally unneccessary. the reason why i always post such rubbish? its because i cannot, no. its because i dare not post my true thoughts. How tempting it is, to just wash every last bit of dirty linen here, in public, so to speak. to just lay my mind out on a sheet of paper, or a computer screen in this case, and just tell the world ( world in this case refers to all ye people who read this blog anyway) what it is i feel, what it is i think in such a way, and what gets my goat. but i've never dared to. neither have i the linguistic skill or dexterity to veil my words, speaking in riddles and euphemisms. saying, yet not saying, what i mean. why? its damnably frustrating. i'm not as intelligent as i make myself out to be, i'm nowhere as good at english as people think i am, and i'm in no way as perceptive as i lie i am. truth is, i'm just one big sham, a living con job. i live a life of deception, both self and otherwise. now i'm not going to descend into a tirade against myself. thats pointless, even though it is rather satisfying, in its own perverse way.

This post has been written over the course of several hours, about 3 to be exact, with several external stimuli to change the course of my thoughts. which is why it starts of rather more cheery than it is now. it just feels very bleak now. the colours of this page jump out at me, yet it feel so grey and lifeless. ah sod it all. them bloody buggers take joy in this. I guess I jsut ned to cool my head and my heels a bit sometimes. i've never been good with emotions, my own and that of those i love. and its a glaring shortcoming now. i'd best do something about it, but what? i'll sleep on that tonight, assuming i get any sleep at all. ah sod it all, i'll just end here. the less i say the better. Or haven't i learnt that lesson yet.

Auf weidersehen

Updating once more, thank the stars ye fortunate (and mildly misguided) readers! life's been wooky, i've been rather kooky, things are just kinda peachy. but buggers can't be choosers, as i always say, and i'm one sorry bugger. But hey, its kosher, i've got the one thing which can make up for it all. and no, its not herpes. i donch tell euu! No real link there hmmm?

Well moving on, there's a fine line to tread isn't there? between everything that we endeavour in, we'll have to toe this line. and i'd say all of us step over it sooner or later. usually sooner. and it usually has consequences which leave a legacy you'd rather not have known. case in point, well never mind the case in point. but suffice to say, mistakes tend to snowball upon the intial stumbling step. i'd very much like to carry on with this thread, but its likely to open a can of worms i'd rather keep shut, since i'm not exactly the flavour of the week/month/whole friggin AY in certain places, so there you go.

I'm really tired. i feel, the way old Bilbo Baggins did, like "butter spread over too much bread." its not that anything really huge has happened to me; not like i've had to go through some tremendous tragedy, as some people i know unfortunately have had to suffer. but its all the things which mean alot to me which drain me. that and my over-sensitivity to things i ought to not take umbrage against. my life is actually pretty good, so why am i engaging in this utterly pointless and immature spate of self-pity? for that matter, why do i always engage in self pity? why does the whole bloody world (well most of it) seem to enjoy self pity so much? is it ingrained in us by society? or by our peers? or is it simply instinct to feel that we are more important and far worse off than the world at large? Whatever it is, i say bollocks to the people who've told me to sod off my self pity. because several of them have been putting up self pitying acts as well. hypocritic arse wipes. ok i shan't turn this post into too bitter a rant hmmm? its boring to write cheery posts, but getting too bitter is baaaaaaad... like really baaaaad. baaaa... right.

anyways, i'm quite the happy bunny now. happy bunny. heh. reminds me of frank the 6-foot evil bunny. oh well. its really something, to see you after a tiring day, to just bask in your presence after running the race for a day. 60 hours of communication cut-off nearly drove me insane, lets not try 60 days hmmm? its a relief to just be able to cast aside the facade put up to keep others out, the front used to guard from the manipulative. it doesn't matter if you don;t do the same, but its a wonderful feeling, just being myself and having you be yourself. It soothes the festering sore which as threatened to infect my emotions for some time already. and for all of these, and more, i thank you.

I'd love to continue now, but words will undermine my intent, as they already have, so i'll just shut up.

Auf weidersehehn

Paranoia.

it's suddenly struck me, i've seen this before, i've done this before, i've been here before. same situation, different characters. but i really pray, with great fervour, that the turn of events doesn't herald the same conclusion as the last time. memories of that still make me shudder.

Auf weidersehen

pardon my previous post, needed to just look like a wacko for a while. Or, alternatively, what i said could be true. Or then again maybe both are true. Or i'm just trying to draw a little attention to my stagnant blog. the judgement is yours to make, dear and rather disgruntled readers.

Auf weidersehen.

just to sort a few thoughts out, i'll ramble for a while. awful habit but here goes.
it's complicated. or actually it isn't. there are but 2 possible permutations, and either of which, as callous and uncaring as it makes me sound, i can (rather, i somehow will) accept. It's not a matter of precedence, rather a matter of adroitness. should it be more appropriate that the lesser equity be cancelled out, then mathmatically and logically i can but agree. good lord. i don't quite believe myself now, giving in to logic and MATHS. But its truly a matter of numbers. if it all adds up to whats right, then there is no going against it. and a dexterous mind as such would not go wrong.
The Law is currently being contested.An issue, thrown up before the court of Law, has been decreed to be a decision requiring the verdict of both parties and God. One party has come upon a suitable course of action. Its now a matter of time until the other party and God show their hands. Of course, no uncivil action will be permitted to be displayed in the event of an unfavourable judgement. The verdict will stand, for the words of Lady Justice are absolute. The defendant will humbly and respectfully bow to the will of the Law, for there are reasons behind every decision, should one take the time and effort to seek it out.
They say only the Sith deal in absolutes. Yet while i'd prefer to believe that there can only be absolutes in life, its is evident that such a short sighted and flawed theory is impossible. The world'd be simple, wouldn't it? what with all the things we could just not consider and analyse before each an every decision. Absolutes give us so much freedom, and yet at the same time they chain us down upon conception. But, life in all its glory, isn't about 2 polar extremities which have a clear division. No, thinking in that manner will lead all to come to naught. a more flexible and dynamic mindset needs to be applied to broach matters. Life is choc-a-block with limitless possibilities. But if we attempt to assimilate all the possible permutations in that manner, there are several problems which may ensue. Insanity, from the sheer possibilities. or no result at all, due to the sheer overwhelming number of possibilities to first consider. So perhaps a mix, a potpurri of the differnt schools of thoughts, would do best. polar extremes, with a grey area betweem where there are varying levels. a balance between the two worlds. Chaos and Order, Darkness and Light, Yes and No, Love and Hate/Fear, and all that.
But it all boils down to choice. A choice by which i will abide, no matter how much it may tear at me, regardless of the toll it may exact from me, i will abide by it. that much i can swear to you. So, Aegwynn, we await your decision. The significance of "Khadger", i believe you recall, so use the meaning of that name, and search for the answer in good faith. I haven't lived up to my namesake, but perhaps i will, yet.
Till we meet again, i bid you a good night.
Auf Weidersehen.
Lace thy words with the bitterness you dare not feel, with the turmoil that runs riot within, and with the depths of sorrow that you refuse to succumb to.

hello there, its been a while hasn't it? since my last update of significant content of course. anyway, a video to chew on. watch it, ponder over it, and (take note of the fact you don't know what the hell the two of them are singing) try to figure out what they're trying to say. the message behind the lyrics, and the imagery you're presented with.


A brief background of the whole clip wouldn't be brief at all, but here goes anyway. Its a song composed by Hans Zimmer, performed by Danez Prigent & Lisa Gerrad. titled Gortoz A Ran. Loosly translated, it means I'm waiting. thats all i'll say, i leave the rest to you, intepret it as you will. it is directed at several people who are likely to read this, go figure if you're one of them, and when you do realise that you're one of the select few, think about the meaning of it, that i meant you to percieve. Then again, its probably a message beamed off into space, for all its worth. So, whether you understand the things i'm trying to say or not, its kosher. no, really it is.

So, life's been a good lil bitchen in the kitchen for a while recently. On one hand i've been having a spate of doubts about my committment, on the other, i've never been quite happier with my other committment. A paradox of sorts? No silly, i'm refering to 2 different things entirely, which are worlds apart yet eerily similar. I've faced both on a nearly daily basis for some time already, and still, its not dulled my love for either in the least. well, left me a little jaded and cynical, but thats been put aside (so i try to convince myself). thats all i have to say about that for now. well actually no, i have tons to say, but its mostly censored due to invective most vile or undermining words(inside joke).

I'd like very much, now, to launch into a tirade about how george lucas and his wacky world of star wars is not the product of an insanely creative mind, but a certain person dear to me is currently "gently reminding" me that i'm supposed to hustle and publish it, and then go to sleep. Isn't it odd? how the most rag-tag 'ol excrement of communist education can be cowed into meek obedience by the most simple of things. ok i exaggerate. but change was inevitable, the day i met you. A slight shift in the polarity of my soul, a slight tug on my heartstrings. a tiny nudge from the unlikeliest of sources. never thought that after 2 years happily drifting around, i'd be so glad to catch sight of land. oh, sure it entails a helluva lot of sacrifice, on both our parts, but at the end of the day, when i take away all the superficial trappings of my life, i still have you, and i can still smile and thank the Gods that i'm alive. ok this is going entirely away from the course i charted. i was supposed to talk about other things, but never mind, i'm not going to continue on them then. suffice to say, as i've said once before, and i say once again, with deeper connotations this time, i care for you, in a way different from and beyond that of a friend.

My apologies for my vague gesticulations on this space, privvy to the eyes of all and sundry. one must maintain social proprieties. yeah right, but for now be contented, for i have updated, all ye whiners! i'll do a proper one tmr, some of the thoughts here are the products of a drug addled mind. my medications do my thought processes no good you see.

Auf Weidersehen...

Mad World
Gary Jules (from the album "Donnie Darko OST")

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places – worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere – going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression – no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow – no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very very
mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday – happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen – sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me – no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me – look right through me

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very very
Mad world . . . world
Enlarge your world
Mad world

All of a sudden everyone's holier than thou... ironic, how objectivity has gone out of the window. It should have been that when the troubled times were over, and the deal was brokered, that objectivity would once more reign. yet i am forced to admit, that even after the deals were brokered and sealed, no one, not even myself, has reverted to an objective approach. I've definately been wallowing in a sizable puddle of self-pity, and yet i strive ever to rise above the mire of my own creation. it has been decided, and whether or not i feel it is a just and suitable decision, it will have to be accepted. Perhaps with all that has happened, i'll come forth from it all wiser to the wily ways of the world, and see once more, ocularly unveiled. I'll stay witht that which i loved, but now i'll face it, cynicism had served a purpose, and therefore it will endure. I cast the shroud of cynicism aside once, and now i once more seek to regain the mantle of jaded percptions. Sacrifice begets further sacrifice, kindness begets further toil.

Anyway, its been a helluva month, getting battered by several incidences of anomalies of fate. It's got just 2 saving graces. The first and foremost is a person, and this person is the one thing thats kept me from doing several things that not just i would have regretted. this person kept me afloat through the tribulations, and while i haven;t emerged any stronger or wiser, i have glimpsed but a glance of the demon all of us hide within. Not only have i seen my own demon, i've seen that of several people. and frankly, i'm just going to give it up. there's no tangible or intangible gain, should i attempt to take retroactive action against it. All it'll generate is more bad blood, and god knows we don't need anymore of that.

Anyway, this year, i'm joining TPSU sub comm again. but, its not going to be the same, it never will. Faith in a system and organisation, a family even, once. that faith is no longer thronging with joy and love as it once was. its not a fetid and gloomy affair yet, but its well on its way, in my heart. whatever people may say, i just don't have the full force of the passion i used to possess for all things related to the Union. While i don't blame any one person for the events of recent days, i have utterly no trust in the twice confounded and thrice damned system. Contributions, passion and the drive aren't a factor when it comes to the elections, and the votes are all that carry weight. but should it go on to a second round, why is it that votes count for naught and it suddenly boils down to the history of the candidate? No hard feelings to anybody, but this reeks terribly of double standards and hypocrisy. But its not my place to speak up anymore, almost as if it never was. It would serve no purpose to further expound, and should i do so, i suspect it'll reignite several conflicts which i've either enginnered the resolution of, or given in to resolve. i'm quite weary of the politics i've been so active in for so long, and i shall just withdraw into my own little cave and focus on the special people in my life.

ok i'll just leave off, i'm treading on rather dangerous ground, and if i should hit a landmine i'll find out soon. Auf weidersehen