I find it amusing, and rather fitting, one of my old posts. this is ffrom January 16th this year.

Things will be as they have been since time immemorable. of course, that is not really how things are. Rather its just that i can't really be arsed to do anything about the sorry state of all my affairs. Its rather irritating, how I might actually be able to do something about my state of affairs if i just had the will to do so. But i don't really have the will to, haha nor do i have the want to do so. Things are plodding along at their own pace, with no sign of any impending change in direction. Excellent news. Keeps thing simple so i don't have to adapt to a new situation. Not that there'll be any change which would really herald the need for a whole new facade for me. Some people manage to just step aside and continue onwards. I know i can do that too. But this... it's a small obstruction, yet its so large that i can't just get around it and move on. Even when i know for sure that all hope is gone, i'm still standing here, foolish hope personified, hoping against all hope that eventually there'll be some sense in what i'm doing. Of course, it being a foolish hope, thats not bloody likely to happen. But it doesn't hurt to hope, so they say. Well whoever said that can stuff it... I'm not emo, i'm just feeling unequivocally down, with not much joy behind the smiles i seem to throw around to my friends with so much ease. Its easier to simply run from my own responsibilities, so much easier to simply pretend there's nothing i can do to put things to right. Of course its easier, but not any less painful. The feeling of having your hopes shattered daily, each time the Destroyer cometh. Then, with what scant sanctuary the night brings, you slowly piece together that hope, in the futile hope that one day, the cycle would be broken, and the darkness you've been enduring would be worthwhile. But when you look at that again, you'll realise that kind of shite only happens in fairy tales and movies, its never going to happen in this uncompromising world. If you want something, its simple, you do your damnest to take it. There is no we, or us, it becomes me, myself and I. Things are a helluva crystal clear that way, without any worry about how your actions will eventually create ripples that upset your companions. Without this murkying the waters, perhaps things would be alot simpler. key word: perhaps. In reality i doubt this would be of any comfort. I'm jsut rambling now. I'm feeling like shit and so i'm writing like shit. Eventually it all boils down to the same thing. And eventually, at the end of the day, when things come to pass, when i have the presence of mind to look back upon my actions, i will end up coming to terms with the stupidity of what i have said, done and thought. The knowledge of that brings no comfort to a tired mind. The knowledge of anything doesn't bring any form of comfort. All that i can hope for now is that perhaps this time, after so long, i'll be able to fufill an ambition, i'll not have to back down, with false grace, before one who is less deserving, as i have done for the greater part of my existing life. I would like for just this once, after so long in the shadow of others, i'll finally be able to escape that shadow and come forth once more into the light. Its long overdue, i've been putting the feelings of others before mine in attempt to just blend in, for once, to just feel that i belong. To feel that i'm one of them, to feel that i'm no different from them, that i can say anything i want and not be laughed at, not be mocked for trying to make the lives of others better, by any measure. In that respect, i extend my deepest gratitude to the other 4 members of the GCC. They have oft been my bastion in moments of unbearable despondancy. I may not actually tell them what eats at me, but them just being there to listen to my endless stream of nonsense and for being the people, other than sarah, lixian, xiu ling and henry, that i can call my friends without feeling that twinge if guilt i feel when i utter the same words to others. I've become rather attached to them, all 4 of the silly buggers. Well, there's hope for me yet, if they can say the same about me. Well that lightened me up for a while. But a few moments later i felt the bloody rain clouds pressing me back down. i can't straighten up, I can't see a reason to. I throw my soul into the Union, believing that perhaps this is where i belong. If time proves this to be true, then I would have finally made a good call, a decision which makes all the mistakes i've been blundering into for the past 18 years of my life. They're by far to numerous to name and number, and i can recall, to my great misfortune, a goodly number of them. It's really quite nice, the feeling of finally not being on the losing end of life. Having said that, i would very much like to get a little sample of that feeling. Don't suppose anyone can propose a way to obtain a sample of that? Perhaps i should quit doing what i seem to enjoy doing most, which very obviously seems to be tormenting myself with my endless self-doubt and self-condemnation. Oh and throw in a total lack of self-confidence and abysmally boring self-pity. Step up, out of the pit in which i dwell by my own choice. But as they say, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, so who knows, i may step out only to find myself in a world far worse than the farce i currently reside in. But that can't really be possible can it? I've dug myself a helluva hell hole, no pun intended, and i'm gonna have a helluva time pulling my sorry arse out of it (arse, not ass, since we're supposed to be all british and shit). well chuffed to bits, i'm not gonna pull myself out, until i see a perfectly good reason to do so, other than the fact that it'll make me a happier person.Thats about enough for today. Auf weidersehen
you're so near, yet too damn far