Things seem to have blown over. Now that the issue has stale mated itself, I can turn my attention to the sorry state of affairs of my projects and the OTHER issue which has troubled me so.

Auf weidersehen.

What do you do when you hit a limit within, when you lose all pretense of civility? what happens when you get pushed to the edge by those you once cared for and loved? Who's there to tell you they're there for you still? That it doesn't matter who says what to you, that when you've reached journey's end, all that you've sacrificed and given for their sake is appreciated. Who's there to say that for all the mistakes i've made, i was never that far from their minds. People think I'm just your average joe, without the talent or personality to stand a notch above the rest, as they think they do. Perhaps they do. Maybe I am a lesser being as compared to them. But what if, just if, what if i'm not? I've worked hard to be who people want me to be. I've tried to excel at what i do, I've tried to be diplomatic. But it hasn't worked. I'm reaping what i've sown, which is deception, lies and betrayals. I tried to ease your transition back, but you turned around and shot me when i tried to pull myself back up. I've fallen, oh yes i've fallen. I've fallen all the way back down to the shadows and i doubt i'll be able to climb back up anymore. I've reached my limit, its beyond my physical and mental abilities to simply dish out my forgiveness and make my way slowly back up like i've done before. You're good, really good.

Betrayer.

In truth it was i who was betrayed.

Still i am hunted

Still i am hated

You helped engineer my fall from grace, and you clipped my wings to ensure i would never be able to rise. But I will seek to remind you, that even after i've fallen, i can still rise again like the proverbial phoenix of myth. I seek to remind you, that Lucifer fell from grace as well, and remember who Lucifer became. Even whilst i wallow in the shadows i'll be getting my own back. Watch out for it, Betrayer. You may soon find yourself reaching the pinnacle, but remember, once you're there, there's no where to go but down. And by George we're going to bring you back down to Earth.

After alls been said and done, its time to change. Many will not like this persona i've morphed into, but thats just too bad isn't it? Without a glimmer of hope for the near future, perhaps its time to pay the piper. The time for you to pity yourself has come and gone, worm. You've had your share of support to bring you up, so come on back down to play, bitch. The dogs will be waiting. You gave no quarter, so you can expect none.

Auf weidersehen

The frigid darkness descends upon you,

and you see now that you needed us to keep the light to you

things aren't improving, but it doesn't quite matter.

Things will be as they have been since time immemorable. of course, that is not really how things are. Rather its just that i can't really be arsed to do anything about the sorry state of all my affairs. Its rather irritating, how I might actually be able to do something about my state of affairs if i just had the will to do so. But i don't really have the will to, haha nor do i have the want to do so. Things are plodding along at their own pace, with no sign of any impending change in direction. Excellent news. Keeps thing simple so i don't have to adapt to a new situation. Not that there'll be any change which would really herald the need for a whole new facade for me. Some people manage to just step aside and continue onwards. I know i can do that too. But this... it's a small obstruction, yet its so large that i can't just get around it and move on. Even when i know for sure that all hope is gone, i'm still standing here, foolish hope personified, hoping against all hope that eventually there'll be some sense in what i'm doing. Of course, it being a foolish hope, thats not bloody likely to happen. But it doesn't hurt to hope, so they say. Well whoever said that can stuff it... I'm not emo, i'm just feeling unequivocally down, with not much joy behind the smiles i seem to throw around to my friends with so much ease. Its easier to simply run from my own responsibilities, so much easier to simply pretend there's nothing i can do to put things to right. Of course its easier, but not any less painful. The feeling of having your hopes shattered daily, each time the Destroyer cometh. Then, with what scant sanctuary the night brings, you slowly piece together that hope, in the futile hope that one day, the cycle would be broken, and the darkness you've been enduring would be worthwhile. But when you look at that again, you'll realise that kind of shite only happens in fairy tales and movies, its never going to happen in this uncompromising world. If you want something, its simple, you do your damnest to take it. There is no we, or us, it becomes me, myself and I. Things are a helluva crystal clear that way, without any worry about how your actions will eventually create ripples that upset your companions. Without this murkying the waters, perhaps things would be alot simpler. key word: perhaps. In reality i doubt this would be of any comfort. I'm jsut rambling now. I'm feeling like shit and so i'm writing like shit. Eventually it all boils down to the same thing. And eventually, at the end of the day, when things come to pass, when i have the presence of mind to look back upon my actions, i will end up coming to terms with the stupidity of what i have said, done and thought. The knowledge of that brings no comfort to a tired mind. The knowledge of anything doesn't bring any form of comfort. All that i can hope for now is that perhaps this time, after so long, i'll be able to fufill an ambition, i'll not have to back down, with false grace, before one who is less deserving, as i have done for the greater part of my existing life. I would like for just this once, after so long in the shadow of others, i'll finally be able to escape that shadow and come forth once more into the light. Its long overdue, i've been putting the feelings of others before mine in attempt to just blend in, for once, to just feel that i belong. To feel that i'm one of them, to feel that i'm no different from them, that i can say anything i want and not be laughed at, not be mocked for trying to make the lives of others better, by any measure. In that respect, i extend my deepest gratitude to the other 4 members of the GCC. They have oft been my bastion in moments of unbearable despondancy. I may not actually tell them what eats at me, but them just being there to listen to my endless stream of nonsense and for being the people, other than sarah, lixian, xiu ling and henry, that i can call my friends without feeling that twinge if guilt i feel when i utter the same words to others. I've become rather attached to them, all 4 of the silly buggers. Well, there's hope for me yet, if they can say the same about me. Well that lightened me up for a while. But a few moments later i felt the bloody rain clouds pressing me back down. i can't straighten up, I can't see a reason to. I throw my soul into the Union, believing that perhaps this is where i belong. If time proves this to be true, then I would have finally made a good call, a decision which makes all the mistakes i've been blundering into for the past 18 years of my life. They're by far to numerous to name and number, and i can recall, to my great misfortune, a goodly number of them. It's really quite nice, the feeling of finally not being on the losing end of life. Having said that, i would very much like to get a little sample of that feeling. Don't suppose anyone can propose a way to obtain a sample of that? Perhaps i should quit doing what i seem to enjoy doing most, which very obviously seems to be tormenting myself with my endless self-doubt and self-condemnation. Oh and throw in a total lack of self-confidence and abysmally boring self-pity. Step up, out of the pit in which i dwell by my own choice. But as they say, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, so who knows, i may step out only to find myself in a world far worse than the farce i currently reside in. But that can't really be possible can it? I've dug myself a helluva hell hole, no pun intended, and i'm gonna have a helluva time pulling my sorry arse out of it (arse, not ass, since we're supposed to be all british and shit). well chuffed to bits, i'm not gonna pull myself out, until i see a perfectly good reason to do so, other than the fact that it'll make me a happier person.

Thats about enough for today. Auf weidersehen

you're so near, yet too damn far

i've always managed to convince myself i've learnt to adapt to the situation, that i would not be affected by the presence of others, but time and time again i prove myself to be wrong, once more. i'm getting tired of trying to be the grey man, cuz while it ensures that certain people don't get embaressed, its starting to really irk me. I'm starting to begin to comprehend the feeling of being wrong all the time, of doing all you can to brighten up the lives of others, but have everything blown up in your face. I've always been a more mellow, for the lack of a better word, person than the people around me, and its not gotten me jack shit. Its really starting to get me down, this inability to make a difference. Maybe its a habit of mine, but i like to get my head down and just mooch around with a few of my closer friends when i feel the onset of a shadow on my mind. its tiring, already quite tiring, to pretend i don't feel the bite of the things people have said or done to me. Indirectly or directly, intentional or not, many of these instances are driving me closer and closer to the time when i just let loose for the lack of a moments control. Perhaps its the environment i immerse myself in, or rather i isolate myself in, but i've never been good at releasing any pent up emotions. Its frustrating when i want to let go of things, since i can't do so in a conventional manner.

I'm about ready to burst out at some people, but that wouldn't be good for the bigger picture would it? I'm done belly aching about the dismal state of my affairs for today, i guess things will just continue as they were.

Auf weidersehen

When will you ever show me your true face,

rather than the facade you put up in lieu of the truth

Number one, Shaz is an EXCELLENT blogger. i just think so. number 2, i'm bored. ok. I've given up really trying to blog in a sensible manner. Never managed to in the first place, but gimme some credit for trying. Also, i beleive i deserve a little bit of credit for trying to live sensibly for the past couple of weeks, no matter how botched the attempt was. I think i'll jsut degenerate back to my old savage self for now. Life's more entertaining that way. now that i'm done with all that, time to begin my emo posting.

Things remain the same, life is as life will be, nothing of any significance will occur, 'cuz nothing can be said for the effort in involved. which of course would be zilch. But thats besides the point for now. So sad, so sad, its a sad sad situation, but sorry isn't really the hardest word. I've been practically living in the lounge recently, i think i deserve an award for "most often found in the lounge"? And yi sheng deserves an award for most often using my lap top. oh wait i'm supposed to be emo-ing. Lets try that again. I find i'm still very much jarred by a few specific words which are oft uttered in the presence of a specific person. It annoys me, but of course, it shouldn't, since they are probably uttered in jest, and i have no moral high ground to take in this case. Speaking of morals, i've been reading a bit about this T.T Durai case, and boy does it piss me off to see what he's been doing (slow i know but gimme a break, i'm a media student now, i gotta read the papers and make some token comments) anyway yes, he ought to ahve all his possesions seized, since they're obtained via illicit means anyway.

Ah crap. once more i digress. My little group of friends is slowly growing, i think. Nice to know i've evolved, never mind only slightly, from my old anti social self. However there are short comings to this. One is that i'm not prioritising right now. Some people will realise what i mean, but i really am busy now. Perhaps trying to be a perfect person is not really humanly possible. Perhaps doing what i should do, but for the wrong reasons, is what i'm doing now. Whatever it is, i do it all for the people i care for. But it often goes unappreciated because i just screw it up. The simplest thing can be turned into a debacle by my bungling hands. yet i persist in sticking them in events and actions which would do my cause harm. All with the intent of helping, but causing harm none theless. Not a reassuring thought. Neither is the realisation that perhaps my being the grey man is not having the desired effect. I thought that perhaps since my strengths and weaknesses are known by those who make the decisions, i would step back and let others display theirs. Sad to say, i was foolish enough to believe that such a course of action would actually be wise. But things are never the way i think they are. Others stood up, and consolidated their positions there. Perhaps i've thrown away my chance to finally prove myself, in the vain hope that doing the right thing would for once stand me in good stead. Did i truely believe that by working in the background to make things go smoother for the rest they would acknowledge my efforts? Was i really that naive? Unfortunately the answer to taht would be yes. I have this awful habit of allowing others to tread on me, as a stepping stone to go higher. I'm alright with it when people i care for do so in an acceptable manner, but the whole group of them? thats a tad too far. Too late to recover from that farce, a demotion of sorts will set me straight soon enough. So long as its not a total loss, i'll be able to accept it. Of that i'm sure. I'm still to attached to my face to throw it away in the manner in which some have done, allowing thickness of their epidermal covering to affect their common sense.

I'll continue some more of my disjointed whining another time, till then auf weidersehen.

The holidays have come to a premature end. At least its premature for me. While i enjoy the company i have in school, there are some problems which inherently arise when i attempt not to commit a social faux-paus. But still, its good that the last part of the semester is coming. I need to buck up my work, i need to watch myself around certain people, and i need to focus on what i'm doing. To digress, i can't wait for the coming FO. I'm reasonably certain that i'll manage to get in, so long as i don't do anything unbelievably stupid between now and then. Primarily i'll have to refrain from biting the head off certain people. Anyway Leox seems to be sorting itself out, bit by bit, its a slow and rocky process, but it's gotta be done. ok thats all for today. This is just a filler post cause i've got nothing to do right now and my blog has been stagnant for some time.

Scatter, Senbonzakura