i've always managed to convince myself i've learnt to adapt to the situation, that i would not be affected by the presence of others, but time and time again i prove myself to be wrong, once more. i'm getting tired of trying to be the grey man, cuz while it ensures that certain people don't get embaressed, its starting to really irk me. I'm starting to begin to comprehend the feeling of being wrong all the time, of doing all you can to brighten up the lives of others, but have everything blown up in your face. I've always been a more mellow, for the lack of a better word, person than the people around me, and its not gotten me jack shit. Its really starting to get me down, this inability to make a difference. Maybe its a habit of mine, but i like to get my head down and just mooch around with a few of my closer friends when i feel the onset of a shadow on my mind. its tiring, already quite tiring, to pretend i don't feel the bite of the things people have said or done to me. Indirectly or directly, intentional or not, many of these instances are driving me closer and closer to the time when i just let loose for the lack of a moments control. Perhaps its the environment i immerse myself in, or rather i isolate myself in, but i've never been good at releasing any pent up emotions. Its frustrating when i want to let go of things, since i can't do so in a conventional manner.

I'm about ready to burst out at some people, but that wouldn't be good for the bigger picture would it? I'm done belly aching about the dismal state of my affairs for today, i guess things will just continue as they were.

Auf weidersehen

When will you ever show me your true face,

rather than the facade you put up in lieu of the truth