Its been a tad long since i've paid my blog a visit, ever since i took a self-proclaimed hiatus from washing my filthy linen in public, drawing unnecessary, unrequited and unwanted(i think) flak from all and sundry. Well i hope to accomplish several things with, and in, this post. First off is to alter the current state of affairs between Her and myself. Secondly, i hope to avoid self-flaggeration of any sort, or mud slinging, in this post. and lastly (for now) to achieve some form of release from this seemingly endless cycle of mistakes and tom-foolery that i've engaged in. Of course, it'd be a gross indiscretion on my part to speak plainly, so forgive my impudence, for while i may not overtly proclaim the central characters of this sorry prose, the act and subject of extended consideration of this ponderous piece of writing will render all pretences void.

Anyone who claims to know the works of Karl Marx ought to know that he believed that conflict was the key to the advnacement of the human race. well on a micro perspective, conflict seems to be just the thing i needed to start my mental cogs turning. An "argument" of sorts, as well as a pointless and self-pitying ego trip that i had embarked upon were the pre-requisites for this series of rather unfortunate events. Well, suffice to say its left neither Her nor myself in an enviable position. With precision(or the lack thereof) Homer Simpson would give his cojones for, I've successfully manuevered myself into a rather unenviable position between the proverbial rock and a hard place. While i teter dangerously close to a cross of self-flaggeration and self-pity, an explaination of sorts is called for.

The rather immature(you don't say!) and bitter(no shit, sherlock) manner in which i conducted myself following the happenings of that day were unexcusable, yes, but at the same time, I contradict myself by having an explaination for it. I love paradoxes. Tell me, have you ever cast your gaze upon your contemporaries, your peers, your friends, your loved ones, and seen within them a strength, an achievement, a want, that you were unable to touch, that you were denied? Have you felt the... jealousy, for the lack of a better word, and the feeling of anomie, of being inferior to them, the terrible tug of the tendrils of wanting to stand on an equal stage as them? I haven't expressed myself clearly with these retheorical questions, i think it reeks of defensiveness, but if you are willing, cast aside that connotation whilst you read it, cast aside the prejudice I have earned in your eyes, don't look upon me with those jaded eyes. I seek to cast off these cynical thoughts that opinionate me so, i struggle to re-evaluate all the opinions i have so carelessly formed over the past months. I beseech that we both take a step back, not to lick our wounds for the next round, but to look upon each other with kinder eyes. Our relationship means so much to me, and I took it poorly, that blow. I wanted to be able to help Her, i wanted to be able to do big things alongside my friends. And that vision was so close to fruitition. Aye, i believed too much in what others whispered in my ears. I allowed it to give me delusions of granduer. I allowed myself to make a fool out of myself.

I've lost much of my intended message, a result of my inability to retain thoughts while writing. But i know this much, I don't want this to go on, I just want to be happy with Her once more, as i once was. We may have our differences, but aren't we all entitled to our own opinions? Why should it be otherwise between us? Before i further mangle the whole idea of this post, i shall cease, and desist. Interpret it as you may, react as you will. All that you need to do is think twice, and think carefully, and you'll understand. I want to be at peace, I want to embark upon a journey of self-improvement.

I pray that God look with favour upon your journey, and deliver you safe back.

Auf weidersehen.

If you want answers, seek them out here.

Cause and effect. Both can be found.

I need this peace, and in pursuing it I lose another.

I love you

Restraint. God damn it. RESTRAINT.

I'm bored. yes, bored. My lungs are bored too, or so it seems, 'cause if my light headedness is anything to go by, my lungs have definately grown tired of expanding and contracting all the time. pffffft. i would suffer from a serious case of ennui too, with such an existance, but since its MY lungs which decided to go on holiday, i'm not going to be so charitable. ah... sweet air. *must* *breathe* or maybe not. hmmm it feels almost as if i'm subconciously mimicing someone's writing style. suffice to say, i think that this isn't very "me". Something just doesn't feel right. I've an awkward habit of mimicing the writing style and speech patterns of others, and it gets oh so annoying when i subconciously begin doing so. hello lois. you're sitting in front of me. hello!

ngeah ok the following part is a lois production, proudly brought to you by lois, in conjunction with Apple Computers and Mensa 2 Japanese Food. Oh and derek being annoying while said author was working.

hello derek!you went to print your assignment and i'm such a possessive bitch that i'm typing my inane useless and terribly arbitrary thoughts here.

how have you been? i've never really liked that question. why look back at the past and plough through episodes of never ending sorrow when you can instantly ask, how are you? you see, thats, PRESENT tense. yet you see, i lie. i DO like the question how have you been. it grounds me and i especially like the fact that i'll be able to tell my life story to some unsuspecting person totally unrelated to past episodes. this way, when i ramble on about my life as its been so far, a few other things come to past and my faults are inadvertantly hi-lighted.

i don't like asking people how they are though because protocol and society's propriety would fuel them to reply with a submissive, fine. then, the conversation just stagnates and travels the (intended) plauteau (in the first place). people don't usually put in effort when talking to people that they're not romantically involved with. we however, must eradicate the generation that is guilty of this.

us.

there can only be construction with destruction. so let us raise our pewter encrusted cups in agreement.let us destroy ourselves so that we can re-invent us all.

and another thing, its not that our parents don't understand us. its just that we've never seen our parents as people, as people who've lived a life before becoming our ma and pa. they have names, they have a life, some more spectacular than others of course. we may respect them, we may hate their guts but one thing's for certain. we ought to treat them like people and not figures in the moulding of our lives before we judge,

thank you and have a nice day.
lois

high speed, low drag.
my arse

people always tell me, be content with your lot in life, hanker not after the trappings of others. well they say it in a more singaporean manner, of course. but hey, its not as easy as it sounds no? besides, sometimes our lot in life just doesn't seem right. its been two years, why the heck am i still having to go through purgatory for that mistake? herr mein gott, please don't toy with me so. If you deem me unfit for your blessings, then at least leave me to my own devices. Forsake me if you have to. Machts nichts, nein? ah bollocks.

A good night to all, auf weidersehen

the tide cometh once again.

There goes my "no fail" goal.

It ends tonight. Just a little insight could make it right, too late to fight

How many of you really care about anything other than the fun?