For once now i find myself looking back in recollection at a certain choice i've made and deciding that perhaps it was not the course of action that would provide benefit to the largest amount of people. The signs i've been seeing, even from the people i trust the most, are frankly disturbing. They all point to the same thing, that i'm lacking a key construct in the lattice of my creation. Its ironic really, that while i exercise such disciplined self-control in some situations, i find myself letting fly with the first thing that comes to mind in others. I'm doing more than shooting myself in the foot, i'm blowing the whole damn limb off. I'm tangling myself into webs far more intricate than i expected, and now i'm no longer even sure if i can cut away from the tendrils that i've willingly, if subconciously, allowed to be spun around me. Why do i act in such a way? I know that i've got enough on my mind as it is, yet i allow even more to fall upon me by the way of my thoughtless blundering through sensitive situations. I've not been showing much wit have i? and here i was thinking i've done everything with the best interests of everyone in mind. Only a fool such as i sees wit where none is writ.

FO is coming. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it, all at once. Lord let this endeavour of mine go well, I'm sure i've failed often enough. Maybe events turning out the way they have is for the best for everyone. But i don't have to like it. And i don't, at times.

Time to quit moaning about things and get back to work. Auf weidersehen