It Don't Matter to the Sun

Shoaling

2011-04-12T00:34:00.002+08:00

I feel like I'm running aground here. I probably shouldn't be doing this now, but here I am, doing it anyway. No one ever said I a lick of sense in me, so I'm not disappointing too many people here. I happened upon this old song, Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and it brought back a rather startling (ok not really) thought. I had the niggling feeling I made a horrendous mistake then, and I still think I did. I think it'll do me good to say it right out.

I miss you.

There, I just said it, for what little its worth, and for whomsoever accidentally stumbles upon this digital bone yard of mine. I've been reluctant to admit this to myself, but I can't deny that I've regretted the things I thought, did and said during that relationship. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, there are so many things that I would have done differently. So many things I would have said. But it's all for naught. Nothing can be changed, nor should anything be. I think it's turned out for the better for you, that it turned out the way it did.

Enough of this, I have work that needs doing. Time to push these thoughts to another corner of my mind for now.

Auf weidersehen

Cold turkey...

2008-08-05T23:44:00.002+08:00

I've been stricken with the dreaded BBB virus, and I'm trying really hard not to give in to it. I suppose ClubSnap doesn't help at all, it only compounds my addiction. I've been looking at the Nikkor 70-200mm f2.8 and lordy it looks gooood. only problem is, it'll set me back a cool $2.5k (or thereabouts). hur hur. I'll probably rent a set to fool arnd with it for a while sometime soon.

2 more months to the end of internship! then I'm off to find a part time job and back to school. I really need the cash :) A quick dream list would be depressing, but as the gahmen says, we should reach for our dreams (or was that last year...)

1) Nikkor 70-200mm f2.8 (maybe sometime during NS if I'm an officer)
2) SB-900
3) Complete Seed (with bucket)
4) A fast wide angle lens (AFTER the 70-200, probably)
5) hur hur a D300/D700 (this one will one come true maybe after NS.)

All that would cost... well slightly over $5k in all i think.

Aaaaand thats it for a quick update of a stagnant, tepid blog. I'm off to sleep and then to work tmr. Auf weidersehen

Al-tire.

2008-06-22T00:39:00.001+08:00

Welcome to the D80 world, Mr Robert de Sable.

Senkei...

2008-04-23T23:34:00.004+08:00

Hey-ho, (imaginary) readers! Plenty of things have come to pass since I last blogged, and I've been going through the oh so cliche emotional rollercoaster. Lets see, there was FOW/C. I shan't go into the meat of things, but the crux of it was that I went in and out, virtually unscathed. Ok, so I did take a few bumps during the camp, but it was hardly anything I couldn't recover from. With the possible exception of one little incident, but thats another story, for another journal at another time.

Intership has begun. I'm in my second week in one of the Big Four of PR, and I must say its a really enriching experience, my growing loathing for the *** aside. It's become an almost pathological hatred for them. But I enjoy the work environment. And I can't wait for my internship allowance to come in, because I'm getting rather broke paying for all those meals. I shall say no more, lest I say something i shouldn't and end up getting into some trouble.

Hmmm... People (well, more like a few people) have begun talking about elections again. hah. It's that time of the year again hmmm? I've certainly got a direction I would like to take the Union towards, and I'm pretty sure Alvin Ting and most of the previous exco's would support that course, but I'm also pretty sure that I don't want to go through the whole brouhaha that I experienced the last time. I'm also pretty sure (well, not very) that I want to have more time to pursue photography and some other stuff. A couple of people (literally) have expressed their support, should I decide to stand for the elections, and I am grateful for their belief in me. (and hopefully, my abilities) I'm just not sure if its the correct path for me to take.

Anyway, as much as I'd like to continue, I shall head on to sleep, lest I die during work tmr. I've got a fever and all. Not that you (imaginary) readers give a shit. take that, adam brown! Aufweidersehen.

The Rule of Two

Only two shall there be, a master and an apprentice:

one to embody power and the other to crave it.

pata-pata-pata-pon!

2008-04-06T22:44:00.003+08:00

It's FO tmr. hurrah. like, i'm so excited can. yah. very excited. Can you picture me jumping up and down with pure exhiliration at the mere thought of FO again. yah. then hor, i'm so stupendously excited that i haven't pack my bags yet and i cooked my pet terrapin for turtle soup earlier. yah.

Sod FO. I'm going for my own reasons, and I'm sure as hell not going to slog the way i did last year. Besides, they have plenty of fresh young blood to do that for them. Assuming, of course, and its a big assumption, that the fresh young blood remembers what THEIR duty is. Bah, duty. Over-rated and over-used word. THHHHHHE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND. and the cogs in my head go round too. Anyway talking on msn while trying to blog is not very conducive, and i think i spelt that wrong, despite my purported (spelt that wrong too. HAH take that Queen Elizabeth!) proficiency with English. Ok seriously now, sod this. It's not working out.

PATAPON WHY DO YOU REFUSE TO WORK?!?!?!?!

ok bye. Auf weidersehen. A post for you, my dear but imaginary readers. and for adam brown, who is leaving for some bloody airport. Whoever the heck you are.

Superman's love interest.

2008-04-04T22:30:00.003+08:00

Superman Returns is on HBO now. Bah.

Meriadoc.

2008-03-24T00:37:00.001+08:00

Home is behind, the world ahead.
There are many paths to tread...

Oh say can you see, by the dawn's early light....

2008-02-20T13:49:00.003+08:00

I should be studying. Yet here I am, facilitating a camp 5 days before my first paper. And i'm regretting my decision to volunteer. It isn't quite as simple as i thought it would be. Or maybe it's just me refusing to put on my game face and doing what needs to be done. Heck, I'm middle management material, not service staff. Anyway thank God Edelman finally got back to the school about the status of my SIP interview.

I'm sitting on a ledge and Farhan is sleeping under the ledge. Wonder what he'd do if i kicked him. But i digress.

ok I just lost my flow there. Not that I actually had one in the first place, but someone seems to have hijacked my train of thought. The Great Train Robbery writ small.

Anyway I'll just conclude with this:
1) I'm getting my dslr with my sip allowance (if it's enough and if i can wait. hah.)
2) I'll get a PSP with the cash I've saved thus far (It sure as hell ain't much)
3) I'll bop siewling over the head. just for fun.
4) I'll try to con my sister into letting me take her laptop if and when my parents buy her one.
5) I'll try to blog better posts. (maybe.)

Auf Weidersehen

All hail, ...

2008-02-20T00:41:00.000+08:00

Alma's on my desktop!

stop motion

2008-02-19T19:09:00.003+08:00

I wish. No a whole lot of use, wishing. But you demand it of me, and hence, I wish.

I pray.

The Cab Ride

2008-02-04T18:46:00.000+08:00

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. When I arrived at 2:30a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away.

But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.

So I walked to the door and knocked.

"Just a minute", answered a frail, elderly voice.

I could hear something being dragged across the floor.After a long pause, the door opened.A small woman in her 80's stood before me.

She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase.

The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said.

I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

"It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated".

"Oh, you're such a good boy", she said.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?"

"It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.

"Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice"

.I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. "I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long." I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

"What route would you like me to take?" I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city.

She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now"

We drove in silence to the address she had given me.

It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door.

The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

"How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.

"Nothing," I said.

"You have to make a living," she answered.

"There are other passengers," I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.

She held onto me tightly.

"You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank you."

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.

Behind me, a door shut.

It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.

What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?

What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware - beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.You might help make the world a little kinder and more compassionate by sending it on.

Thank you, my friend

I found this on a friend's blog ( well more of an aquaintance actualy) and it made me tear. I have no idea why, but it did.

Auf Weidersehen

Adamant.... or maybe not

2008-01-26T02:58:00.000+08:00

Ok, so after my prolonged absence, i think its safe to assume no one reads this anymore. Excellent. Freedom of speech has never been more real. I can almost feel it in the air. Well I've finally gotten the call from a company regarding my internship. And of all companies, i get a rather tasty one... Edelman. Never would have thought that with my grades I'd get a MNC. Well thats the Brave New World at work i suppose. Now I just pray that i ace this interview and get my SIP settled.

I haven't been going to church for the past month or so. Mostly it's due to the lack of enough rest, thanks to all the sodding deadlines that I've got. I'd better get going to church again this Sunday. There're something that need to be said and done there, hmmm? I kinda miss Fairfield Methodist, the sermons there were a thing of beauty. But coward I am, I've yet to muster the courage to go back there yet. Or for that matter, the time to do so. But no matter, a church is a church is church is a church. Or as the Italiano NYPD would say, a poip is a poip is a poip.

How have you been? I haven't talked to you in months, and I doubt we'll ever cross paths again after we graduate. Sometimes I do what all fools do, I reminisce, and I wonder what it would've been like had I not done what I did. I guess it would've been a matter of time anyway no? I think this can be my personal motto, I seem to apply it to everything, but macht nichts, it truly matters not.

A couple of things I want ( and I'm going to get on my own. well mostly):

Nikon D80 (face it, the D40 is fine and dandy, but the D80 just seduces you so)

Shoes ( so my brother will quit complaining that I'm spoiling his shoes)

Internship position at Edelman ( Come on, just take both bella and me as your interns, we're good)

A new laptop ( this is going to have to wait till after NS. Unless someone out there's feeling generous this November)

A PSP ( Just for the heck of it. And the entertainment value, of course)

More sleep ( heh. pretty straight forward)

More money ( Please Edelman, assign me a good fluffy allowance for my internship)

Photography gigs ( for the financial incentives, as well as for my friggin portfolio yo?)

To get rid of that FRIGGIN annoying virus that has infected my laptop, desktop, 2 portable hard disks, 1 thumbdrive, 1 external hard disk, and i suspect 1 Ipod touch as well. (just die will you?)

Now that I'm done breathing some life into my dead-arse blog, its time to get some sleep.

Auf Weidersehen

P.S. Perseus Mandate is a scary ass game. It's like an interactive horror movie.

Closing a Chapter on....

2008-01-04T12:31:00.000+08:00

Somehow, Pastor Jimmy's sermon didn't make things click. I'm still running away.

Auf Weidersehen

Psalm 23

2008-01-02T00:34:00.000+08:00

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

-King James Version

Run_________, Run!

2007-12-02T21:33:00.000+08:00

My name is Gump, Forrest Gump. Stupid is as stupid does aye?

Auf weidersehen

Yeah, it does matter to me.

2007-11-19T13:44:00.000+08:00

It Don't Matter to the Sun

It don't matter to the sun
If you go or if you stay
You know the sun is gonna rise
And shine down on another day
There'll still be a tomorrow
Even if you choose to leave
'Cause it don't matter to the sun,
It matters to me

It ain't gonna stop the world
If you walk out that door
This old world will just keep on spinning 'round, spinning 'round
Like it did the day before
'cause to them it makes no difference,
They just keeps on keepin' time
'Cause it ain't gonna stop the world, no
But it'll be the end of mine

What can I say
What can I do
I'm still in love
So why aren't you?

What can I say
What can I do
I'm still in love
So why aren't you?

It don't matter the moon
If you're not in my life
No the moon will just keep hangin' 'round, hangin' 'round
Like it's just another night
Find another place to shine down
On some other lovers' dreams
'Cause it don't matter the moon,
But it matters to me
No it don't matter to the moon,
But it matters to me

Ping Pong

2007-11-17T00:33:00.000+08:00

It's the 100th post here. I think I ought to feel a sense of accomplishment for somehow managing to sustain my interest in a single pursuit for so long. Yet somehow I don't feel it. Oh and I'm a year closer to my death. How wonderful. Thank you to all you lovely people out there who actually give a damn that I came into this god forsaken world 19 years ago, and thank you to my parents for enduring all of my odd antics and quirks for the past 19 years. Words are inadequete to express my gratitude.

I guess the saying a year older, a year wiser is true. it's just how long we take to learn our lessons and to see the truth about us that matters. I could go on and on with a post right now, trying to sound intelligent and attempting to be who people wanted me to be. But for once, perhaps, I am myself, and I may finally be at peace with that. Thats what I'd really like. To be at peace. Thats all that I wish for. And thats hardly likely to come easily.

Auf weidersehen.

I don't want to remember anymore.

I want to relinquish these memories of nobody.

Bathtub Sharks

2007-11-14T22:57:00.000+08:00

A retarded video to bring myself a little joy.

Peanut

2007-11-14T22:05:00.000+08:00

I'm going to be 19 soon. And I've got nothing to show for it. I wonder what people ever saw in me. Well I know the answer to that for some people. They saw a use for me. And so when I had fufilled my purpose, you know the rest.

Auf weidersehen

yeah, you're right, he did it.

2007-11-10T00:45:00.001+08:00

I'm happy, oh so happy, oh so happy and snappy and gay.

whatever.

Well, I'll just gob off about it, like I've always done.

Words are cheap. You make them so.

2007-11-09T18:36:00.000+08:00

I think I can truly say I understand how difficult cold turkey is. The trigger that knocks you right off the ladder after a long and ardous climb can come at the damnest of times, and from the most unassuming of things. I'm supposed to just walk away from the car crash that I could use to describe our end, but I can't help but stare over my shoulder, and wonder how far we could have driven on had I not been under the influence. DUI they call it. Drunk, Useless, Insensitive is what I was. God, as always, on hindsight things were so simple, it was so easy to avoid all the mistakes we made, it was so easy not to screw up. Well, you screwed up bub, get used to it. I had hoped that blogging would make me feel better, letting it out and all, guess once again, I can't be as succinct and effusive enough to lay it bare and heal. As I've heard so many times this week, the Show Must Go On. And so it shall, as best as it can.

Auf weidersehen.

2007-10-31T13:37:00.000+08:00

"Savior, conqueror, hero, villain. You are all things, Revan… and yet you are nothing. In the end, you belong to neither the light nor the darkness. You will forever stand alone."

Sith Philosophy

2007-10-31T12:14:00.000+08:00

"Without strife, your victory has no meaning. Without strife, you do not advance. Without strife, there is only stagnation."-Yuthura Ban

How do we grow? How do we overcome our limitations and obstacles in life? People have always said that the only way to move forward was to face our fears, but sometimes, it just doesn't seem to work. Well perhaps it goes down to how willing the individual is to embrace that fear and turn it back on itself. Using it to force the individual to change, grow, and evolve. Traditionally in fictional universes, its the bad guys who use this to justify all they do, but truly, we suscribe to this school of thought far more than is healthy, at times. Conflict does, however, ensure that only the strong attain their goals, leading us down the path to perfection. Well by perfection, in this case, we're going to have to leave out sympathy. As it has been so aptly put by others, "Sentients only deserved what they were strong enough to take and those too weak to protect themselves were fair game."

Ah damn it. I'll continue this post another time. I'm distracted. Which is good.

Auf Weidersehen

2007-10-26T01:00:00.000+08:00

"From the smallest of actions, the smallest of kindnesses, great tragedies are made."

It's been some time, and I have yet to understand what it is that bind me to this totem of despair. Perhaps it is the seemingly callous manner in which you carry on. But then again, who can fault one for so commendably hitting the ground running. I think I had my head stuck up in the clouds for too long, blithely assuming that things would be all fluffy clouds and chirping birds. Well reality check, since plan A isn't producing results, lets take a raincheck on that, and initiate plan B; pack up and skeddle. ok raincheck on this post as well, external circumstances dictate that I ought to go to bed now. As in, NOW. Not the first time i've had to abandon a pursuit in mid-process, so no loss. Ach. whatever you say.

Auf Weidersehen

2007-10-23T22:10:00.001+08:00

I don't like my timetable, I don't like the way things are, and I sure as hell don't like you.

Nothing to be done about that now no? I think they're right. It isn't all white and black. There is no clear defined line that seperates the 2 differents states. As is the case in this messed up little world we live in, we can never really be either. Rather, we exist in a state of flux, oscillating between the two states as circumstances dictate. Some believe we have the ability to choose. Others believe it is our God given right. I believe that one has the ability to choose, but the ultimate choice lies in the untrustworthy hands of those with which you deal. If it so suits them, they might concur with your decision. Should it not, then the stronger one will come out on top. Of course, it isn't the stronger one who comes up tops. It's the one who's willing to settle for his or her lot in life, to be happy with what he's got, though not neccessarily contented. Or perhaps it is the one who is willing to compromise the lot of another in order to improve his or her own. One who will not let someone else's interests get in the way of his or her own. Who really? And Which one of those are we? Or are we the ones who lose out, the ones who have sacrificed our own dreams so that the dreams of others may live on? Or perhaps we are both?

But what does it matter? Yet still we struggle to make a difference, to change the world. To dream of hope, never knowing for certain who we will meet along the way, who among the world of strangers will hold our hand, touch our hearts, and share the pain of trying.

And in that spirit, I give in to a very simple need. The simple human need to find a kindred, to connect and to know in our hearts, that we are not alone.

I want to walk on the side of my choosing, I don't want to face the uncertainty and insecurity of that deep and terrible grey any longer.

Auf weidersehen

Ich liebe Sie

2007-10-12T00:37:00.000+08:00

I. Haven't. Forgotten.

2007-10-10T14:41:00.000+08:00

I would like nothing more now than to hear you say it one more time. But we all know very well thats not going to happen. So God help me, help me open that closet door and face those monsters. I had reached a point where I could put it aside into the far reaches of my mind, then you had to come and drag it all back out into the light. I can't run from it, everything seems to have an affliation to it. Damn it all. Damn it all for being this way.

Auf Weidersehen

Stand with me, in the shadows

2007-10-09T01:07:00.000+08:00

"You saved the cheerleader, so we could save the world."

We're rebuilding after it all. Piece by piece we pick up the shards and attempt to piece it all back together again. And we find a new being within, one who is stronger, one who is wiser.

We hold close those on whom we depend. Yet we find that it is not who we thought it would be, and a new bastion rises out of the ashes of our past. The smallest of disturbances can result in far reaching ripples, and this disturbance is far from small. Perhaps when the ripples die down, the water will be all the calmer, and the light of a new beginning will not be so harsh upon our skin.

Auf Weidersehen.

Seven Minutes to Midnight

2007-10-07T01:04:00.001+08:00

We were both wrong.

2007-10-07T00:44:00.001+08:00

It is human nature to look to the past. To the road we have travelled. To what has, so far, defined us.

It is human nature to be mesmerised by that past. And to forget our purpose, our destiny. We desperately sought solace in those kindred spirits, but it was not to be.

We all imagine ourselves the agents of our destiny. Capable of determining our own fate.
But have we truly any choice in when we rise? Or when we fall? Or does a force larger
than ourselves give us our direction. Is it God, who intervenes and decides our fate?

We sought God in a time of light, in a moment of great joy. Yet it is now, when the sun begins to set, that we seek confirmation in God's embrace.

We have given, and we have taken. But when it came to the end of days, we're loath to accept that it has all come to nought. Here's an old poem I read once, just to ease the lack of clarity.

When the cold of Winter comes, starless nights will cover day.

In the veiling of the Sun, we will walk in bitter rain.

But in dreams i can still hear your name.

And in dreams we will meet again.

When the seas and mountains fall and we come to end of days,

In the dark i hear a voice calling me there,

I will go there and back again

Auf Weidersehen, even though I don't want it to be so.

and I Think God Can Explain

2007-10-07T00:13:00.001+08:00

The earth is large. Large enough that you think you can hide from anything. Fom fate, from God, from yourself, from the truth. If only you found a place far enough away.

So you run. To the edge of the earth, where all is safe again, quiet and warm. The solace of salt air, the peace of troubles left behind, the luxury of grief. And maybe for a moment, you believe you have escaped.

You can run far, you can take your small precautions, but have you really gotten away? Can you ever escape? Or is the truth that you have neither the strength nor cunning to hide from destiny, that the world is not small, you are. And fate, can find you anywhere.

To survive in this world, we hold close to us those people on whom we depend. We trust in them our hopes, our fears. But what happens when trust is lost? Where do we run when things we believe in vanish before our eyes? When all seems lost, the future unknowable, our very existance in peril.

2007-10-07T00:05:00.000+08:00

All we can do, is run.

2007-10-04T23:37:00.000+08:00

This is an egg-zellent trailer. well ok a bit cliched in certain visual aspects, but its really good no? The music is lovely ( if anyone knows the song title or can send it to me, TELL ME PLEASE!) and the visuals are amazing. Ah the things I watch at work.
Interesting, isn't it? The imagery and the words chosen for this trailer, and for much of the Heroes series, it can apply to us mere mortals :) yeah admit it, we're homogenous, as Hiro said, yogurt. pffft. Not as different as we thought we'd be, but no matter. Humans have always had the need to bond, and who better to seek a bond with, then those who are similar to ourselves. Although sometimes, they're not all that similar.
Aniron, Auf weidersehen

2007-10-03T12:32:00.000+08:00

Where does it come from, this quest, this need to solve life's mysteries, when the simplest of questions cannot be answered. Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream?
Perhaps we would be better off not looking at all, not delving, not yearning.

But that is not human nature, not the human heart, that is not why we are here.

Yet still we struggle to make a difference, to change the world. To dream of hope, never knowing for certain who we will meet along the way, Who among the world of strangers will hold our hand, touch our hearts, and share the pain of trying.

So much struggle for meaning, for purpose, and in the end, we find it only in each other. Our shared experience of the fantastic, and the mundane.

The simple human need to find a kindred, to connect and to know in our hearts, that we are not alone.

exerpt from Heroes

2007-10-02T00:53:00.001+08:00

Which do you want, a life of happiness or a life of meaning?

Choose one, and choose wisely.

2007-09-25T10:21:00.000+08:00

I awaken from my Union-induced stupor, and find my life in shambles.

2007-09-25T00:11:00.000+08:00

Here's a clip to cheer up the darcy-ish. Courtesy of yin ling.

Oh and the following post was written in anger. Though anger was not the emotion involved. I just decided to use the cliche. The basis of it is my relations with all who have passed through my life, in one way or another.

Episode III: The Revenge of the Shit

2007-09-24T22:50:00.000+08:00

Change isn't the most pleasant thing on earth now is it? We've all had the unfortunate experience of being forced to enact or endure a change in our environment. It usually isn't pleasant business no? Well the fruits of the labour are often good though. After all, we're taught that so long as we embrace change, all will come to fruitition and we'll live happily ever after. Right? Right.

Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just too lazy to continue with my train of thoughts. Maybe I can't be arsed to think positive. Maybe I can't be arsed to think pessimistic. Maybe I just want to use the word "maybe" 5 times. Maybe I made a mistake and used it 6 times. Or perhaps I just can't bring myself to tell all you little boys and girls out there that 'ol Uncle 'rek isn't all he's cracked himself out to be, and that he just can't accomplish what he's said he would. Or perhaps not. Who knows? Certainly not me.

The responsibility for breakdown in the fabric does not lie on the shoulders of one. It never does. Can you name the person entirely and solely responsible for the civil war in Sudan? The individual single handedly repsonsible for global warming? The one person who brought the flowing scourge of the Boxing Day tsunami upon the hundreds of thousands of victims? The lone enitity who signed the death warrant of 3 quarters of the European population during the time of the Black Death?

Sometimes, it isn't just the obvious things that we should pay heed to.
2 Corinthians 4:18
while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Play with the punctuation and the nuances. You'll understand some things.

2 Corinthians 4:16
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.
Auf Weidersehen. I leave a much calmer person than I was when I began.

2007-09-23T23:34:00.000+08:00

I miss you. Its driving me insane.

I need a human's touch.

I need a human's voice.

I need ... ... something to take my mind off everything else.

Auf Weidersehen.

*woffles away grinning dementedly*

2007-09-22T01:04:00.000+08:00

Learn not to show anything. No matter what you feel, you will not let it faze you. Even if it does, you will not let others know that it does. Tolerance is not the word, preservation of the relationship is what it is. Keep in mind the differing approaches to it, and then cease to expect things you know will not be forthcoming. But never forget, you love her.

Auf Weidersehen

you know you do.

2007-09-20T02:30:00.000+08:00

Of cruises, temptation, jealousy, and love. This is but the product of a little sod too lazy to recount for your sordid pleasure the intimate details of my silly little existance. Can't be arsed. good bye :)

Auf weidersehen. *hic*

2007-09-10T01:24:00.000+08:00

Repeat after me

"I'm not jealous"

Who am I trying to convince. pffffft.

Repeat after me

"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
"I'm Sorry"
I wish i never said anything at all yesterday.

2007-09-10T00:42:00.000+08:00

Honesty is not the best policy. As some have so aptly said, "Fuck honesty, honestly."

Lay your head on my shoulder

Tell me it's all going to be alright

I don't want to feel this anymore. I just want it to be the same again.

Auf Weidersehen

2007-09-07T00:45:00.000+08:00

HUMBUG! HYPOCRITE! ok, i think i ought to get that DSLR and really get down to continuing with something i like doing, and actually be good at it. I've witnessed, often enough, the passion people have for their... ah passions. well i ought to do something about mine hmmm? Sports are kinda out, music is ridiculus, so i think photography is a good place as any to start.

How does one rectify all his past wrongs? Should he seek out the persons involved and make amends? Or rather, should he direct his efforts inward? With no intent to sound "deep" or any shit like that, I really think I've drifted quite a bit in these past few years. I've gone through all weird and wonderful phases. Oh there was that phase where i was nuts over the Union. I guess thats over, I think all i ever wanted was to succede. I've never really truly embraced doing something because i enjoyed it.

I've oft talked about giving up those silly grudges of mine. But if I think I can't do it. Not yet. I'm unwilling to accept the fact that I weakened my resolve, provoking the problem. heh self-denial is lovely. Anyway i digress. I need to go research and figure out which camera i ought to get. I hope my parents are still supportive of this, I don't think i can afford this on my own. Haven't really had time to harvest some moolah. I've got alot i want to say, but I think I ought to do it somewhere else. pffft.

Auf Weidersehen. oh and nice seeing you again yin ling. haha not that you'll see this.

2007-09-07T00:44:00.000+08:00

Lesson 1: The intent to do something means nothing without the will to follow it through.

2007-08-16T09:20:00.000+08:00

Ennui, is that it? Or is it merely an excess of zeal in absorbing the woes of others? Perhaps it's a product of excessive thoughts that border on obsession, and the delusion that I can make it better. Who's to say that what's better for me is better for you? Whatever it may be, I don't want to feel this way. Its stressing. And I don't want to fall back into my old, darker self. I've just pulled myself out of that faux form, don't let me fall back into that abyss.

Hey Ho. What does it matter?

Auf Weidersehen

2007-08-12T16:07:00.000+08:00

So many pains i want to inflict upon his person, yet so many laws and proprieties that interfere. Verbal sparring shall suffice. Just so long as I don't get too agitated in the process, this should be a cinch. Never mind my decision to mellow a little. I'll leave it for when it matters. I don't like it there now, with those little pricks scurrying around with an over inflated ego.

INFERIORITY COMPLEX

Auf Weidersehen

2007-08-12T01:30:00.000+08:00

UPDATE! SCREAM AND BLUBBER AND BLIBBER WITH JOY/DEJECTION/DESPAIR/EXHILIRATION/EUPHORIA/FEAR/TERROR/PASS-ME-A-GOD-DAMN-THESAURUS-SOMEONE!!!!!!!!ok this is not exactly necessary.

A word from you and it all came crashing down. Ironic how i make a ruckus about the little things and then a little thing like this comes along when i'm not looking and sucker punches me. Well I'm praying real hard now that when I crack my eyes to the sight of dawn, what I see will not be unpleasant. Of course, thats assuming anything at all greets my eyes. It'd be infinitely worse not to know. pah. I hear the hecklers starting again. Knocking me for all that dirty linen i hang up around here. HOI at least I dry it before I put it up! I'm not as inconsiderate as my neighbours who hang their dripping laundry out! heh me? considerate? pfffft where's the punch line?

So, we walk and we walk and we walk. And then we walk some more. and at the end of the day, you decide to really walk. And horror of horrors, for all my words are worth, I can't think of anything to say. Mediocrity rocks my socks like pebbles and stones. Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Cleanse the flea and take a pee. Ah bollocks. That didn't make me feel any better. Not that I truly expected gibberish to sooth that sore thats beginning to develop. And in the span of a few hours too. Must keep it from getting infected. I hear that there's been an outbreak of something nasty in Europe. Was it in England or Germany, I've forgotten. Ah people knock English food and heckle those poor Germans still in purgatory for the sins of their grand fathers.

Back to the point, assuming I had one when I began, ring the bell. The time is nearly nigh to usher in the officials to begin the proceedings. What proceedings, you say? Why, the requiem for a dream of course. Isn't that why you tomfools have assembled so? Isn't it in all propriety and social norm? But its a requiem! pah. sanctimonious arseholes. Begone with you. I've had to bury 2 dreams in the paupers cemetry already, so sod off and let this one rest in peace here in the Sanctuary of the Blameless.

I digress. And i love you. whoopee doo! I love me too. Don't you? Well, whatever. It's arbitary for now. What the heck, its whatever you want it to be. Psychedelic indeed. It sent me to you without wings, and I hope you don't begrudge me for that. There's nought I can do about that aye chum?

My life,

You electrify my life.

Let's conspire to re-ingnite

all the souls that would die just to feel alive.

Tell me, was it everything you wanted to find? Did you leave with the same impression as you did before you arrived? Do you miss me when you're looking for yourself out there? Our hopes and expectations. We remember them, but do we remember them? Or do we allow them to degenerate into black holes and revelations? Some revelations can be pretty nasty, saying nothing of black holes of course. I'm not trying to make a point with anything I've said. Not that I'm capable of making one in my current state. SOD OFF! ARE YOU CHUFFED TO BITS??! Well I am. But then again no. I like hypocrisy, but only if I get a monopoly on it. Ok thats a stretch. A franchise then? Bah, humbug. I'll just sleep then. And indulge in a little wishful thinking. I'll engage in a little harmless delusion that when i wake up tomorrow, everything will defiantely be fine and dandy. Not too great a stretch is it?

Would you lie with me and just forget the world? As things are, I doubt so. And that really saddens me.

Auf Weidersehen

2007-07-29T03:49:00.000+08:00

Its been a tad long since i've paid my blog a visit, ever since i took a self-proclaimed hiatus from washing my filthy linen in public, drawing unnecessary, unrequited and unwanted(i think) flak from all and sundry. Well i hope to accomplish several things with, and in, this post. First off is to alter the current state of affairs between Her and myself. Secondly, i hope to avoid self-flaggeration of any sort, or mud slinging, in this post. and lastly (for now) to achieve some form of release from this seemingly endless cycle of mistakes and tom-foolery that i've engaged in. Of course, it'd be a gross indiscretion on my part to speak plainly, so forgive my impudence, for while i may not overtly proclaim the central characters of this sorry prose, the act and subject of extended consideration of this ponderous piece of writing will render all pretences void.

Anyone who claims to know the works of Karl Marx ought to know that he believed that conflict was the key to the advnacement of the human race. well on a micro perspective, conflict seems to be just the thing i needed to start my mental cogs turning. An "argument" of sorts, as well as a pointless and self-pitying ego trip that i had embarked upon were the pre-requisites for this series of rather unfortunate events. Well, suffice to say its left neither Her nor myself in an enviable position. With precision(or the lack thereof) Homer Simpson would give his cojones for, I've successfully manuevered myself into a rather unenviable position between the proverbial rock and a hard place. While i teter dangerously close to a cross of self-flaggeration and self-pity, an explaination of sorts is called for.

The rather immature(you don't say!) and bitter(no shit, sherlock) manner in which i conducted myself following the happenings of that day were unexcusable, yes, but at the same time, I contradict myself by having an explaination for it. I love paradoxes. Tell me, have you ever cast your gaze upon your contemporaries, your peers, your friends, your loved ones, and seen within them a strength, an achievement, a want, that you were unable to touch, that you were denied? Have you felt the... jealousy, for the lack of a better word, and the feeling of anomie, of being inferior to them, the terrible tug of the tendrils of wanting to stand on an equal stage as them? I haven't expressed myself clearly with these retheorical questions, i think it reeks of defensiveness, but if you are willing, cast aside that connotation whilst you read it, cast aside the prejudice I have earned in your eyes, don't look upon me with those jaded eyes. I seek to cast off these cynical thoughts that opinionate me so, i struggle to re-evaluate all the opinions i have so carelessly formed over the past months. I beseech that we both take a step back, not to lick our wounds for the next round, but to look upon each other with kinder eyes. Our relationship means so much to me, and I took it poorly, that blow. I wanted to be able to help Her, i wanted to be able to do big things alongside my friends. And that vision was so close to fruitition. Aye, i believed too much in what others whispered in my ears. I allowed it to give me delusions of granduer. I allowed myself to make a fool out of myself.

I've lost much of my intended message, a result of my inability to retain thoughts while writing. But i know this much, I don't want this to go on, I just want to be happy with Her once more, as i once was. We may have our differences, but aren't we all entitled to our own opinions? Why should it be otherwise between us? Before i further mangle the whole idea of this post, i shall cease, and desist. Interpret it as you may, react as you will. All that you need to do is think twice, and think carefully, and you'll understand. I want to be at peace, I want to embark upon a journey of self-improvement.

I pray that God look with favour upon your journey, and deliver you safe back.

Auf weidersehen.

If you want answers, seek them out here.

Cause and effect. Both can be found.

I need this peace, and in pursuing it I lose another.

I love you

2007-07-10T22:17:00.001+08:00

Restraint. God damn it. RESTRAINT.

2007-07-10T07:48:00.000+08:00

I'm bored. yes, bored. My lungs are bored too, or so it seems, 'cause if my light headedness is anything to go by, my lungs have definately grown tired of expanding and contracting all the time. pffffft. i would suffer from a serious case of ennui too, with such an existance, but since its MY lungs which decided to go on holiday, i'm not going to be so charitable. ah... sweet air. *must* *breathe* or maybe not. hmmm it feels almost as if i'm subconciously mimicing someone's writing style. suffice to say, i think that this isn't very "me". Something just doesn't feel right. I've an awkward habit of mimicing the writing style and speech patterns of others, and it gets oh so annoying when i subconciously begin doing so. hello lois. you're sitting in front of me. hello!

ngeah ok the following part is a lois production, proudly brought to you by lois, in conjunction with Apple Computers and Mensa 2 Japanese Food. Oh and derek being annoying while said author was working.

hello derek!you went to print your assignment and i'm such a possessive bitch that i'm typing my inane useless and terribly arbitrary thoughts here.

how have you been? i've never really liked that question. why look back at the past and plough through episodes of never ending sorrow when you can instantly ask, how are you? you see, thats, PRESENT tense. yet you see, i lie. i DO like the question how have you been. it grounds me and i especially like the fact that i'll be able to tell my life story to some unsuspecting person totally unrelated to past episodes. this way, when i ramble on about my life as its been so far, a few other things come to past and my faults are inadvertantly hi-lighted.

i don't like asking people how they are though because protocol and society's propriety would fuel them to reply with a submissive, fine. then, the conversation just stagnates and travels the (intended) plauteau (in the first place). people don't usually put in effort when talking to people that they're not romantically involved with. we however, must eradicate the generation that is guilty of this.

us.

there can only be construction with destruction. so let us raise our pewter encrusted cups in agreement.let us destroy ourselves so that we can re-invent us all.

and another thing, its not that our parents don't understand us. its just that we've never seen our parents as people, as people who've lived a life before becoming our ma and pa. they have names, they have a life, some more spectacular than others of course. we may respect them, we may hate their guts but one thing's for certain. we ought to treat them like people and not figures in the moulding of our lives before we judge,

thank you and have a nice day.
lois

2007-07-09T19:17:00.001+08:00

high speed, low drag.
my arse

2007-07-08T19:46:00.000+08:00

people always tell me, be content with your lot in life, hanker not after the trappings of others. well they say it in a more singaporean manner, of course. but hey, its not as easy as it sounds no? besides, sometimes our lot in life just doesn't seem right. its been two years, why the heck am i still having to go through purgatory for that mistake? herr mein gott, please don't toy with me so. If you deem me unfit for your blessings, then at least leave me to my own devices. Forsake me if you have to. Machts nichts, nein? ah bollocks.

A good night to all, auf weidersehen

the tide cometh once again.

2007-07-07T01:12:00.000+08:00

There goes my "no fail" goal.

2007-07-07T00:20:00.001+08:00

It ends tonight. Just a little insight could make it right, too late to fight

2007-07-04T00:54:00.001+08:00

How many of you really care about anything other than the fun?

2007-06-28T22:40:00.000+08:00

All the wrong buttons have been pressed. And now I'm not even sure if I can differentiate.

Its cliched isn't it, to say " it isn't that simple". But let the turn of events speak for itself.

Uncertainty, disrespect, unbridled and unfettered fury, unchecked words, ill-advised actions.

It makes you wonder, for all the committment, for all the love, for all the slavish devotion.

Macht nichts, it matters not. The social divide will remain, and it will not diminish with time either, not without some severe effort exerted.

Social, pah. Twice damned and thrice confounded mind. I'm tired. My mind and body are screaming for sleep. But my assignments are screaming for my attention as well. The assignments scream a whole lot louder.

Auf weidersehen

2007-06-24T02:59:00.000+08:00

I shouldn't stay home with nothing to do, it gets me all emo and shit. i begin to question everything. and its not healthy. ah damn it. i should sleep.

Auf weidersehen

2007-06-24T00:11:00.001+08:00

Bait and switch. Sometimes your plans work out too well. and when it does, you're not prepared. and time will reveal all, they say. indeed. i don't think i like what i've seen of you recently. and i can't rectify the problem thats been moulding you so. I guess i'll just leave it be.

Auf weidersehen

2007-06-23T16:46:00.001+08:00

I find it amusing, and rather fitting, one of my old posts. this is ffrom January 16th this year.

Things will be as they have been since time immemorable. of course, that is not really how things are. Rather its just that i can't really be arsed to do anything about the sorry state of all my affairs. Its rather irritating, how I might actually be able to do something about my state of affairs if i just had the will to do so. But i don't really have the will to, haha nor do i have the want to do so. Things are plodding along at their own pace, with no sign of any impending change in direction. Excellent news. Keeps thing simple so i don't have to adapt to a new situation. Not that there'll be any change which would really herald the need for a whole new facade for me. Some people manage to just step aside and continue onwards. I know i can do that too. But this... it's a small obstruction, yet its so large that i can't just get around it and move on. Even when i know for sure that all hope is gone, i'm still standing here, foolish hope personified, hoping against all hope that eventually there'll be some sense in what i'm doing. Of course, it being a foolish hope, thats not bloody likely to happen. But it doesn't hurt to hope, so they say. Well whoever said that can stuff it... I'm not emo, i'm just feeling unequivocally down, with not much joy behind the smiles i seem to throw around to my friends with so much ease. Its easier to simply run from my own responsibilities, so much easier to simply pretend there's nothing i can do to put things to right. Of course its easier, but not any less painful. The feeling of having your hopes shattered daily, each time the Destroyer cometh. Then, with what scant sanctuary the night brings, you slowly piece together that hope, in the futile hope that one day, the cycle would be broken, and the darkness you've been enduring would be worthwhile. But when you look at that again, you'll realise that kind of shite only happens in fairy tales and movies, its never going to happen in this uncompromising world. If you want something, its simple, you do your damnest to take it. There is no we, or us, it becomes me, myself and I. Things are a helluva crystal clear that way, without any worry about how your actions will eventually create ripples that upset your companions. Without this murkying the waters, perhaps things would be alot simpler. key word: perhaps. In reality i doubt this would be of any comfort. I'm jsut rambling now. I'm feeling like shit and so i'm writing like shit. Eventually it all boils down to the same thing. And eventually, at the end of the day, when things come to pass, when i have the presence of mind to look back upon my actions, i will end up coming to terms with the stupidity of what i have said, done and thought. The knowledge of that brings no comfort to a tired mind. The knowledge of anything doesn't bring any form of comfort. All that i can hope for now is that perhaps this time, after so long, i'll be able to fufill an ambition, i'll not have to back down, with false grace, before one who is less deserving, as i have done for the greater part of my existing life. I would like for just this once, after so long in the shadow of others, i'll finally be able to escape that shadow and come forth once more into the light. Its long overdue, i've been putting the feelings of others before mine in attempt to just blend in, for once, to just feel that i belong. To feel that i'm one of them, to feel that i'm no different from them, that i can say anything i want and not be laughed at, not be mocked for trying to make the lives of others better, by any measure. In that respect, i extend my deepest gratitude to the other 4 members of the GCC. They have oft been my bastion in moments of unbearable despondancy. I may not actually tell them what eats at me, but them just being there to listen to my endless stream of nonsense and for being the people, other than sarah, lixian, xiu ling and henry, that i can call my friends without feeling that twinge if guilt i feel when i utter the same words to others. I've become rather attached to them, all 4 of the silly buggers. Well, there's hope for me yet, if they can say the same about me. Well that lightened me up for a while. But a few moments later i felt the bloody rain clouds pressing me back down. i can't straighten up, I can't see a reason to. I throw my soul into the Union, believing that perhaps this is where i belong. If time proves this to be true, then I would have finally made a good call, a decision which makes all the mistakes i've been blundering into for the past 18 years of my life. They're by far to numerous to name and number, and i can recall, to my great misfortune, a goodly number of them. It's really quite nice, the feeling of finally not being on the losing end of life. Having said that, i would very much like to get a little sample of that feeling. Don't suppose anyone can propose a way to obtain a sample of that? Perhaps i should quit doing what i seem to enjoy doing most, which very obviously seems to be tormenting myself with my endless self-doubt and self-condemnation. Oh and throw in a total lack of self-confidence and abysmally boring self-pity. Step up, out of the pit in which i dwell by my own choice. But as they say, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, so who knows, i may step out only to find myself in a world far worse than the farce i currently reside in. But that can't really be possible can it? I've dug myself a helluva hell hole, no pun intended, and i'm gonna have a helluva time pulling my sorry arse out of it (arse, not ass, since we're supposed to be all british and shit). well chuffed to bits, i'm not gonna pull myself out, until i see a perfectly good reason to do so, other than the fact that it'll make me a happier person.Thats about enough for today. Auf weidersehen
you're so near, yet too damn far

2007-06-22T22:53:00.000+08:00

yep, its time! for another one of those days where i update incessantly and with annoying blaise posts.

ok... what shall i talk about? there's jsut so much to say since i updated a few hours ago. been wandering around a strogg for awhile, and even that didn't manage to keep my mind occupied. ok cloning strogg to butcher hapless humans. lets listen/watch/read (whatever you like, you pesky English sod) me ramble on about that! nah then again, i don't want to have to explain what the strogg are first, and talking about them without a brief background would be pointless. so, since 2+2=22, and 273051 as well, i shall not talk about that. instead, i'll have you read another session of me blabbering my nonsense on this stupid web page. isn't that a great idea? oh and as a side note, i may sound insane, or at least marginally so, but there's a point to what i'm saying, and don't say you understand it if you don't. 'cause i often don't understand it either. whoopee doo whup.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog... know the significance of this sentence? leave me a tag if you do, and in case you're thinking what a complete buffon i am for not knowing it, I KNOW WHAT IT IS. i'm just curious whether its commonly known. and speaking of which, did you know that the nursery rhyme: "ring a ring o roses, a pocket full of posses" or something like that, was refering to the great pneumonic plague which put to sleep almost 3 quarters of the European population? heh a nursery rhyme about the Black Death. How amusing is that. and check out the way kids dance to it. Whoever composed it sure had a sense of humour. a rather morbid sense of humour, but there you go. wonder about all the other nursery rhymes. maybe twinkle twinkle little star was composed for the meteorite that obliterated a huge chunk of siberia. but thats a tangent we shan't explore.

ok let me assume the form of both my self and my imaginary split personality at the same time now. So, we're here infront if our computer, typing a whole load of bollocks to somehow pass time and at the same time engaging in a rather interesting conversation with lois. which is no business of anyone but we said that for fun. or did we? Why do we say things? sometimes, we say things merely to complement another things we said previously, and yet it is not obvious to the listener. at times, we realise that we've said something that has a meaning hidden behind only after its been said. Yet it all falls perfectly in place, as though we say it instinctively. but thats not quite possible, is it? perhaps a parallel universe? that would explain alot of anomalies in this world. yet it would create a whole new spectrum of questions. so we'll leave that be hmmm?

History is an interesting thing. and its also something which we cannot be sure of. i mean, sure, we've got all our whiz bang archaeologists and historians and shit, but can we really believe history? there're a few sayings which put it in simple words, and one is that "history is on the side of the big battalions." which is bloody true, i mean think about it. Lets use the Second World War as an example. History says, Hitler is evil. While i'm not saying he isn't, it doesn't address the other side. Before the war, and all the way from the leadup till the first day, european and american companies supplied hitler's industries with the steel and raw materials to churn out his war machines. then when the war broke out proper, they made a fortune selling the Allies steel to crush Hitler's steel. and at the end of the war, Hitler is proclaimed evil. it applies to all aspects of life, and through out all the time periods. The victor always writes the history books, so the history books tell their side of the story. history isn't really something thats set in stone, we can't just take everything we see at face value and accept it wholesale. But all this is, as always, unimportant, unintelligent, unkindred and totally unneccessary. the reason why i always post such rubbish? its because i cannot, no. its because i dare not post my true thoughts. How tempting it is, to just wash every last bit of dirty linen here, in public, so to speak. to just lay my mind out on a sheet of paper, or a computer screen in this case, and just tell the world ( world in this case refers to all ye people who read this blog anyway) what it is i feel, what it is i think in such a way, and what gets my goat. but i've never dared to. neither have i the linguistic skill or dexterity to veil my words, speaking in riddles and euphemisms. saying, yet not saying, what i mean. why? its damnably frustrating. i'm not as intelligent as i make myself out to be, i'm nowhere as good at english as people think i am, and i'm in no way as perceptive as i lie i am. truth is, i'm just one big sham, a living con job. i live a life of deception, both self and otherwise. now i'm not going to descend into a tirade against myself. thats pointless, even though it is rather satisfying, in its own perverse way.

This post has been written over the course of several hours, about 3 to be exact, with several external stimuli to change the course of my thoughts. which is why it starts of rather more cheery than it is now. it just feels very bleak now. the colours of this page jump out at me, yet it feel so grey and lifeless. ah sod it all. them bloody buggers take joy in this. I guess I jsut ned to cool my head and my heels a bit sometimes. i've never been good with emotions, my own and that of those i love. and its a glaring shortcoming now. i'd best do something about it, but what? i'll sleep on that tonight, assuming i get any sleep at all. ah sod it all, i'll just end here. the less i say the better. Or haven't i learnt that lesson yet.

Auf weidersehen

2007-06-22T15:40:00.000+08:00

Updating once more, thank the stars ye fortunate (and mildly misguided) readers! life's been wooky, i've been rather kooky, things are just kinda peachy. but buggers can't be choosers, as i always say, and i'm one sorry bugger. But hey, its kosher, i've got the one thing which can make up for it all. and no, its not herpes. i donch tell euu! No real link there hmmm?

Well moving on, there's a fine line to tread isn't there? between everything that we endeavour in, we'll have to toe this line. and i'd say all of us step over it sooner or later. usually sooner. and it usually has consequences which leave a legacy you'd rather not have known. case in point, well never mind the case in point. but suffice to say, mistakes tend to snowball upon the intial stumbling step. i'd very much like to carry on with this thread, but its likely to open a can of worms i'd rather keep shut, since i'm not exactly the flavour of the week/month/whole friggin AY in certain places, so there you go.

I'm really tired. i feel, the way old Bilbo Baggins did, like "butter spread over too much bread." its not that anything really huge has happened to me; not like i've had to go through some tremendous tragedy, as some people i know unfortunately have had to suffer. but its all the things which mean alot to me which drain me. that and my over-sensitivity to things i ought to not take umbrage against. my life is actually pretty good, so why am i engaging in this utterly pointless and immature spate of self-pity? for that matter, why do i always engage in self pity? why does the whole bloody world (well most of it) seem to enjoy self pity so much? is it ingrained in us by society? or by our peers? or is it simply instinct to feel that we are more important and far worse off than the world at large? Whatever it is, i say bollocks to the people who've told me to sod off my self pity. because several of them have been putting up self pitying acts as well. hypocritic arse wipes. ok i shan't turn this post into too bitter a rant hmmm? its boring to write cheery posts, but getting too bitter is baaaaaaad... like really baaaaad. baaaa... right.

anyways, i'm quite the happy bunny now. happy bunny. heh. reminds me of frank the 6-foot evil bunny. oh well. its really something, to see you after a tiring day, to just bask in your presence after running the race for a day. 60 hours of communication cut-off nearly drove me insane, lets not try 60 days hmmm? its a relief to just be able to cast aside the facade put up to keep others out, the front used to guard from the manipulative. it doesn't matter if you don;t do the same, but its a wonderful feeling, just being myself and having you be yourself. It soothes the festering sore which as threatened to infect my emotions for some time already. and for all of these, and more, i thank you.

I'd love to continue now, but words will undermine my intent, as they already have, so i'll just shut up.

Auf weidersehehn

2007-06-16T23:23:00.001+08:00

Paranoia.

2007-06-16T11:02:00.001+08:00

it's suddenly struck me, i've seen this before, i've done this before, i've been here before. same situation, different characters. but i really pray, with great fervour, that the turn of events doesn't herald the same conclusion as the last time. memories of that still make me shudder.

Auf weidersehen

2007-06-16T02:29:00.000+08:00

pardon my previous post, needed to just look like a wacko for a while. Or, alternatively, what i said could be true. Or then again maybe both are true. Or i'm just trying to draw a little attention to my stagnant blog. the judgement is yours to make, dear and rather disgruntled readers.

Auf weidersehen.

2007-06-16T02:27:00.001+08:00

just to sort a few thoughts out, i'll ramble for a while. awful habit but here goes.
it's complicated. or actually it isn't. there are but 2 possible permutations, and either of which, as callous and uncaring as it makes me sound, i can (rather, i somehow will) accept. It's not a matter of precedence, rather a matter of adroitness. should it be more appropriate that the lesser equity be cancelled out, then mathmatically and logically i can but agree. good lord. i don't quite believe myself now, giving in to logic and MATHS. But its truly a matter of numbers. if it all adds up to whats right, then there is no going against it. and a dexterous mind as such would not go wrong.
The Law is currently being contested.An issue, thrown up before the court of Law, has been decreed to be a decision requiring the verdict of both parties and God. One party has come upon a suitable course of action. Its now a matter of time until the other party and God show their hands. Of course, no uncivil action will be permitted to be displayed in the event of an unfavourable judgement. The verdict will stand, for the words of Lady Justice are absolute. The defendant will humbly and respectfully bow to the will of the Law, for there are reasons behind every decision, should one take the time and effort to seek it out.
They say only the Sith deal in absolutes. Yet while i'd prefer to believe that there can only be absolutes in life, its is evident that such a short sighted and flawed theory is impossible. The world'd be simple, wouldn't it? what with all the things we could just not consider and analyse before each an every decision. Absolutes give us so much freedom, and yet at the same time they chain us down upon conception. But, life in all its glory, isn't about 2 polar extremities which have a clear division. No, thinking in that manner will lead all to come to naught. a more flexible and dynamic mindset needs to be applied to broach matters. Life is choc-a-block with limitless possibilities. But if we attempt to assimilate all the possible permutations in that manner, there are several problems which may ensue. Insanity, from the sheer possibilities. or no result at all, due to the sheer overwhelming number of possibilities to first consider. So perhaps a mix, a potpurri of the differnt schools of thoughts, would do best. polar extremes, with a grey area betweem where there are varying levels. a balance between the two worlds. Chaos and Order, Darkness and Light, Yes and No, Love and Hate/Fear, and all that.
But it all boils down to choice. A choice by which i will abide, no matter how much it may tear at me, regardless of the toll it may exact from me, i will abide by it. that much i can swear to you. So, Aegwynn, we await your decision. The significance of "Khadger", i believe you recall, so use the meaning of that name, and search for the answer in good faith. I haven't lived up to my namesake, but perhaps i will, yet.
Till we meet again, i bid you a good night.
Auf Weidersehen.
Lace thy words with the bitterness you dare not feel, with the turmoil that runs riot within, and with the depths of sorrow that you refuse to succumb to.

2007-06-12T23:48:00.000+08:00

hello there, its been a while hasn't it? since my last update of significant content of course. anyway, a video to chew on. watch it, ponder over it, and (take note of the fact you don't know what the hell the two of them are singing) try to figure out what they're trying to say. the message behind the lyrics, and the imagery you're presented with.

A brief background of the whole clip wouldn't be brief at all, but here goes anyway. Its a song composed by Hans Zimmer, performed by Danez Prigent & Lisa Gerrad. titled Gortoz A Ran. Loosly translated, it means I'm waiting. thats all i'll say, i leave the rest to you, intepret it as you will. it is directed at several people who are likely to read this, go figure if you're one of them, and when you do realise that you're one of the select few, think about the meaning of it, that i meant you to percieve. Then again, its probably a message beamed off into space, for all its worth. So, whether you understand the things i'm trying to say or not, its kosher. no, really it is.

So, life's been a good lil bitchen in the kitchen for a while recently. On one hand i've been having a spate of doubts about my committment, on the other, i've never been quite happier with my other committment. A paradox of sorts? No silly, i'm refering to 2 different things entirely, which are worlds apart yet eerily similar. I've faced both on a nearly daily basis for some time already, and still, its not dulled my love for either in the least. well, left me a little jaded and cynical, but thats been put aside (so i try to convince myself). thats all i have to say about that for now. well actually no, i have tons to say, but its mostly censored due to invective most vile or undermining words(inside joke).

I'd like very much, now, to launch into a tirade about how george lucas and his wacky world of star wars is not the product of an insanely creative mind, but a certain person dear to me is currently "gently reminding" me that i'm supposed to hustle and publish it, and then go to sleep. Isn't it odd? how the most rag-tag 'ol excrement of communist education can be cowed into meek obedience by the most simple of things. ok i exaggerate. but change was inevitable, the day i met you. A slight shift in the polarity of my soul, a slight tug on my heartstrings. a tiny nudge from the unlikeliest of sources. never thought that after 2 years happily drifting around, i'd be so glad to catch sight of land. oh, sure it entails a helluva lot of sacrifice, on both our parts, but at the end of the day, when i take away all the superficial trappings of my life, i still have you, and i can still smile and thank the Gods that i'm alive. ok this is going entirely away from the course i charted. i was supposed to talk about other things, but never mind, i'm not going to continue on them then. suffice to say, as i've said once before, and i say once again, with deeper connotations this time, i care for you, in a way different from and beyond that of a friend.

My apologies for my vague gesticulations on this space, privvy to the eyes of all and sundry. one must maintain social proprieties. yeah right, but for now be contented, for i have updated, all ye whiners! i'll do a proper one tmr, some of the thoughts here are the products of a drug addled mind. my medications do my thought processes no good you see.

Auf Weidersehen...

2007-06-02T01:14:00.000+08:00

Mad World
Gary Jules (from the album "Donnie Darko OST")

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places – worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere – going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression – no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow – no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very very
mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday – happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen – sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me – no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me – look right through me

2007-06-01T14:14:00.000+08:00

All of a sudden everyone's holier than thou... ironic, how objectivity has gone out of the window. It should have been that when the troubled times were over, and the deal was brokered, that objectivity would once more reign. yet i am forced to admit, that even after the deals were brokered and sealed, no one, not even myself, has reverted to an objective approach. I've definately been wallowing in a sizable puddle of self-pity, and yet i strive ever to rise above the mire of my own creation. it has been decided, and whether or not i feel it is a just and suitable decision, it will have to be accepted. Perhaps with all that has happened, i'll come forth from it all wiser to the wily ways of the world, and see once more, ocularly unveiled. I'll stay witht that which i loved, but now i'll face it, cynicism had served a purpose, and therefore it will endure. I cast the shroud of cynicism aside once, and now i once more seek to regain the mantle of jaded percptions. Sacrifice begets further sacrifice, kindness begets further toil.

Anyway, its been a helluva month, getting battered by several incidences of anomalies of fate. It's got just 2 saving graces. The first and foremost is a person, and this person is the one thing thats kept me from doing several things that not just i would have regretted. this person kept me afloat through the tribulations, and while i haven;t emerged any stronger or wiser, i have glimpsed but a glance of the demon all of us hide within. Not only have i seen my own demon, i've seen that of several people. and frankly, i'm just going to give it up. there's no tangible or intangible gain, should i attempt to take retroactive action against it. All it'll generate is more bad blood, and god knows we don't need anymore of that.

Anyway, this year, i'm joining TPSU sub comm again. but, its not going to be the same, it never will. Faith in a system and organisation, a family even, once. that faith is no longer thronging with joy and love as it once was. its not a fetid and gloomy affair yet, but its well on its way, in my heart. whatever people may say, i just don't have the full force of the passion i used to possess for all things related to the Union. While i don't blame any one person for the events of recent days, i have utterly no trust in the twice confounded and thrice damned system. Contributions, passion and the drive aren't a factor when it comes to the elections, and the votes are all that carry weight. but should it go on to a second round, why is it that votes count for naught and it suddenly boils down to the history of the candidate? No hard feelings to anybody, but this reeks terribly of double standards and hypocrisy. But its not my place to speak up anymore, almost as if it never was. It would serve no purpose to further expound, and should i do so, i suspect it'll reignite several conflicts which i've either enginnered the resolution of, or given in to resolve. i'm quite weary of the politics i've been so active in for so long, and i shall just withdraw into my own little cave and focus on the special people in my life.

ok i'll just leave off, i'm treading on rather dangerous ground, and if i should hit a landmine i'll find out soon. Auf weidersehen

2007-05-31T13:29:00.000+08:00

One night and one more time, thanks for the memories even though they weren't so sweet.

2007-05-28T01:31:00.000+08:00

well well, yesterday turned out alright indeed. A good day at last, amidst the slew of terrible days. It's more than compensated for the god forsaken days i've been running through for a while now. Now whats left is to see how things turn out, a step at a time.

Auf weidersehen

2007-05-26T21:31:00.000+08:00

13. and bullshit. thats all i have to say. poke the angry ogre.

Auf-friggin-weidersehen.

2007-05-24T19:04:00.000+08:00

Voting is over. In about 23 and a half hours time, we'll find out who are the favoured 13. oh dear oh dear oh dear..... i hope i'm in. We shall see.

will you be there to hold my hand when the moment of truth is upon us?

Auf weidersehen

2007-05-23T11:19:00.000+08:00

another funky song. whoopie doo... destressing material indeed.

2007-05-23T00:11:00.000+08:00

a rather amusing song. if you're feeling cranky.

2007-05-20T20:17:00.001+08:00

I would very much like you to be there with me. I fear i will need that bastion of support that you are. The hope that you give life to, and the light that springs forth from your very presence.

Evenstar... Aniron, tye-melane Undomiel.

Auf weidersehen

2007-05-20T19:57:00.000+08:00

The Elections draw ever closer, and whilst we quiver in fear and sheer anticipation, the Darklings remain confident of their eventual triumph. Spouting rhetoric and self assured confidence, they preach honesty, integrity, endurance, passion! Viva la Union! Viva la Revolution! I'm afraid. really. A young boy wielding a notched and rusty sword facing off the Devil. i'm frustrated at my inability to act but to watch while they march on, their corrupted touch sullying the waters, and charring the very land upon which they trod. Once more, they unwittingly kill that which they claim to love, all in the quest for power. Power corrupts. Is that so? I have felt the eddying currents that have stirred within me ever since i first tasted power. The sweet taste of authority. Hold it in, learn to control the monster within.

Come Friday, we're going to have to go through the real thing. Devour your inner-demon. Don't let it devour you. If you fail, then you are lost, and that which we love will be deeply scarred. Come Friday, we will wield words as we have never done before, veiling our intentions behind a pretentious mask of chill dignity. Come Friday, the result of a year's work on our part will come to fruitition. And Come Friday, we will see that once more, popularity truimphs over capability, and that the deserving, do not always attain that which they desire.

Vote for Farhan, Yuting, Glenn, Sarah, John, Geraldine, Kay, Tat Yi and Derek for TPSU, come 22nd May, to 24th May, at the SDC building, Cyber Centre.

Auf weidersehen

2007-05-17T12:31:00.000+08:00

I remain, as before, unsure. and thus no further course of action is possible as of yet.

2007-05-16T04:13:00.000+08:00

Old rabbits dye lard, and old habits die hard. Its 4.15a.m, and i'm in a land where all i see are pink fluffy leg hairs and green whipped potato. sorry, i really haven't gotten over the trauma of having to stay up and work with my current ill health. ah the rigours of poly life. I. want. to. sleep. and. i. shouldn't. be. blogging. now.

ok bye.

Auf weidersehen. and farhan, LEPAK!

2007-05-15T00:27:00.000+08:00

On the request of a certain lady by the name of Goh Leyu Lois, i shall update my blog. see, staring at my blog does magically trigger an update.
Fun aside, its been a day of gloom and doom. It's depressing i swear, attending the Elections workshop today. If the misguided and deluded bunch of delinquients and queers(not lazy people) are going to be the next main committee of the 8 Clubs and the Union, i am SERI-OUSLY worried. i doubt, at this critical juncture, that i can muster the votes to make it into the much sought after Council of 13. Either way, i'm gonna make my presence felt in the Union. If its going to be some dumb arse donkey-loving sonofagun who's taking my place, they either deliver, or i'll give them hell in a shoebox.
On a darker note, my tenacious hold on what little i had left in me has begun to waver. without the guardian strength that has gone without, i'm succumbing slowly but surely. The dark tendrils creep across the sickly expanse of my chest, its chill touch sending shudders of pain shooting through me. ok thats an exaggeration, but not much of one. I've been wracked terribly today, and I can but pray that it is but a consequence of my rather unbecoming lifestyle recently, and that a change that will come aobut soon will remedy it. But i doubt that i'll be let off so easily for punishing my body so over the past months.

Don't you feel it, precious? A new surge of hope. A solitary oasis on the horizon of a sun-scorched land of blasted rock and dead ground. Dare we believe that it heralds a new hope for us? Is it but a brief reprieve from the long dry spell brought about by the crazed roach? Can we at last lay our heads down, and know that we have at last come to journey's end? We would like to do that, wouldn't we, precious? But we cannot be certain, and till we are certain, we will never rest, we continue to hunger, and we will continue to long for its presence, precious.

we will see, yes we will, precious. Auf weidersehen. and as Lois would say, Live Well and Prosper.

2007-05-06T21:30:00.000+08:00

Confounded electronic demon, my laptop is malfunctioning again. Must be all those ants crawling around inside. Or maybe not. Anyway i guess the time for hysterics have passed, I'm feeling much less.. angsty, to use the teenage term. Its been quite a while since i last posted anything of consequence. Needless to say, what i've been posting recently does not classify as intelligent, thought provoking material, as much as i would like to think it does. Oh and i'm blogging now because i'm really bored. There's a serious case of ennui here, someone please dial 995, or 911, whichever you prefer. And while you're at it i can get my persistant and i suppose chronic chest pains checked out. But you aren't really going to call for help, are you? Nope. Not a chance of you doing that for lil 'ol me is there? Ok I'm a little high now, perhaps a side effect of being bored, and the fact that half of the posting page isn't working.
The misadventures of my laptop aside, I wasn't speaking crypticly in my previous post. I was being rather more literal than i usually am. Perhaps someone will understand what i was getting at. Peraps no one will. It's no loss. I didn't have a specific purpose in saying that anyway. If anyone knows the following verses, let me know. I've yet to find someone who has the same interest as me. Obsession maybe:

When the cold of winter comes,
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain.

But in dreams i still hear your name
and in dreams we will meet again.

Auf weidersehen

2007-05-06T17:45:00.000+08:00

Its been so long since then. I've yet to find the grace to forgive you. Even a minor incident, it raises my ire to such a degree that my ailment returns to torment me. You don't see the world they way we do. Don't even pretend that you understand how some are forced to endure the fallacies of society, while you sit prim and proper, feeding off the silver spoon that you were so fortunate as to be born with. How apt, your chosen domain. You rest, resplendant beneath its reassuring glory. Yet within, you know that if it should be stripped from you, you are nothing, an insignificant being. Without the guile to survive, without the mind to endure, without the soul to live. Go on. Mock us lesser beings. Someday, whether it be within my lifetime or not, you will fall. And be ready, for all those you have scorned before will take their turn to return the favour. I'm tired, ill. The hurt doesn't go away anymore. It resides, a throbbing reminder of my weakness, within my body, where my heart lies. It hurts... I do not seek to diagnose it, for the fear of what it maybe, and what it may mean.
A look at the brighter side, I'm sure now, that over the span of a few days, its taken root. Time will tell, whether it will come to bloom. Auf weidersehen

2007-05-03T18:59:00.000+08:00

After a rather extensive hiautus from this dusty land, i've decided to spam a little. I think and i think and i think, and nothing changes. Looks like brain power isn't good for much. I've spent quite some time and brain juice running and re-running the scenario through nonetheless, and the only result i've got from that is turning my brain into something nasty. Anyway to sum up things, the present circumstances really sucks the big one.

I've got quite a plethora of thoughts roiling around in my melting pot of a mind at the moment, but its getting pretty challenging to bring them down into words without being indiscreet. Don't suppose I could do with more reading, now? My literary prowess seems to be waning at a rather fearsome pace. My hopes are waning along side, my hopes for a rather unrelated matter. Perhaps i was expecting too much, perhaps I thought too much, perhaps its all simply a matter for jest, which ever the case may be, I'm seriously feeling like shite at the moment. Had i been sane, I'd have decided upon a course of action and taken it upon my self to see it unto the end. Oh well, I shall remain a mildly retarded, senile and dememted spirit wandering the school grounds. Holy water, anyone?

I've not really blogged about FO yet, have I? Everyone's been blogging raving about how wonderful it was, what a great learning experience it provided, how enlightened they were at the end of it all, the joy of having met all those people and what not. I wish i could say the same. Believe me, i want nothing more than to truthfully say that it was a helluva Freshmen Orientation, and that I loved it. But hey ho, let's go, its not the case. Suffice to say while this year's FO had its bright moments, there were way too many moments when i felt like murdering a whole lot of people for the lack of a more suitable means of displaying my considerable displeasure. But being the consumate optimist, i shall focus on the bright side of things! I met quite a few lovely people this year, each in their own respect. Thank god for them, or there'd be just about nothing else to prevent me from going under with the absolutly abysmal conduct of the GLs.

Alright then, there's not much to say for now. Rather, I haven't quite figured how to couch the remaining thoughts in presentable english yet, so its about time for me to be off then. I find myself yearning for your presence by my side once more. Leave events to weave their own intricate web between the rather dingy pillars of my existance. Auf weidersehen, dear vonlichenstein

How now, brown cow?

2007-05-03T10:18:00.000+08:00

I've felt a rather disturbing (in a good way, i keep reassuring myself) surge of feelings recently. Good lord, i can't believe how my interior workings can be changed so drasticaly so quickly. Just days ago i was vehemently denying that such a thing was ever going to happen. Guess you'll really never know till it happens. I'm beginning to see an excellent incentive to join Scythia in future outings. The presence of several deterent factors aside, there's this one person who allows me to speak the way I prefer to, without having to explain myself repeatedly. Well I'm glad then that i made the first step despite my inhibitions and doubts. Perhaps there's hope yet, in this generation of young adults and teens who have the misguided belief that adopting a terrible western accent or using western slang and euphorisms transforms them into the personification of coolness. Of course accents are sometimes the product of subconscious external influences, and perhaps i ought not to generalise. That and the fact I myself occasionally subconsciously adopt an accent when I begin to speak proper English. Hypocrite! I hear them cry, but thats just too bad. I do deal in double standards, as and when it suits me. Well not as and when it suits me, but as and when its not unethical to do so.

Speaking of which, I've come to notice that I'm quite an elitist. Certain people will know what i mean. Hopefully my elitist dream will not be shattered come 25th May. Support the domination of the elitist bastards, vote for farhan and john and tat yi and yuting and geraldine and adrian and kimberly and glenn and myself! ok that was shameless self promotion, but I'm in the mood for such nonsense now. Right, time to quit blabbering here and head back to serious work.

Auf weidersehen.

2007-04-23T18:57:00.000+08:00

you... make me feel different... so much better. yet at times you crush me with your actions. I can't decide... What am i to do?

On another note, I've finalised my plans. I'm running for the SU elections, 'cause i know i can make a difference. Vote for me! From the 22nd of May till the 24th of May at the Cyber Centre at SDC Block

2007-04-06T23:42:00.000+08:00

For once now i find myself looking back in recollection at a certain choice i've made and deciding that perhaps it was not the course of action that would provide benefit to the largest amount of people. The signs i've been seeing, even from the people i trust the most, are frankly disturbing. They all point to the same thing, that i'm lacking a key construct in the lattice of my creation. Its ironic really, that while i exercise such disciplined self-control in some situations, i find myself letting fly with the first thing that comes to mind in others. I'm doing more than shooting myself in the foot, i'm blowing the whole damn limb off. I'm tangling myself into webs far more intricate than i expected, and now i'm no longer even sure if i can cut away from the tendrils that i've willingly, if subconciously, allowed to be spun around me. Why do i act in such a way? I know that i've got enough on my mind as it is, yet i allow even more to fall upon me by the way of my thoughtless blundering through sensitive situations. I've not been showing much wit have i? and here i was thinking i've done everything with the best interests of everyone in mind. Only a fool such as i sees wit where none is writ.

FO is coming. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it, all at once. Lord let this endeavour of mine go well, I'm sure i've failed often enough. Maybe events turning out the way they have is for the best for everyone. But i don't have to like it. And i don't, at times.

Time to quit moaning about things and get back to work. Auf weidersehen

2007-03-29T03:44:00.000+08:00

Dinner and Dance is over, and it was quite good. Considering that most of us sub comms were brought in at the last moment, i think we did an excellent job. But as always, i've learned some new things about old friends, and while some are positive, there have been some signs of negative traits appearing. I'll have to yet again reevaluate my opinions and approaches.

Once again, i'm left with this rather awful feeling. Its all i seem to get from you. No matter what i do and how much i try, i feel this painful longing anyway. Its become a force of habit to pay attention to such trivial details which drive me closer to the brink of insanity. But it was my choice and so i ought to quit bitching about it. Anyway i'm too lazy to continue in depth, so Auf Weidersehen people...

2007-03-12T00:50:00.000+08:00

Once again, its been a while. Its been a while since i took time off to face this white box on my laptop monitor. Since i took time off from all the rubbish i've been doing to look back and review my actions for the past few weeks. Can't say i remember much, other than the fact i got mildly smashed at the little gathering.

I'm mildly annoyed with the state of affairs once more. I thought i was over it already, but evidently not. Oh well. Such feelings are only fleeting moments in the course of my life, there is no point grouching over it for ages. I'm beginning to feel the creeping little tendrils of laziness taking over me. Getting a little too lazy to blog much or think too much either. But geez if i don't at least blog once in a while I'll have no proper opportunity to write proper English. At least until the next AY begins. And then i'm not looking forward to that thanks to the bloody campaigning for the SU elections. Confounded thing. If we followed RP's system of a rally then I'd be far more confident and less bothered by the proximity of it all.

Ok i'm officially blogging like a typical ah beng blogger now. I haven't quite degenerated to the level of relating to the world every last little detail of my singularly unremarkable existance, but i have de-evolved to posting rubbish in lieu of intelligent and constructive content. Such is the content of the times! Meaningless and inconsequential (its a redundancy i know) content is pervasive, as you might have noticed already. Errr... I'm a bit lost for words at the moment. I've quite a number of thoughts swimming around in my mind, but i just can't seem to squeeze anything of consequence out.

Enough rambling then... And this is for all ye folks out yonder who've been complaining that i haven't been updating. Chew on this rather mangy and distatseful post for a while, hopefully it'll tide you over till i next decide to spew an embarressing amount of personal feelings for all and sundry to view online... Auf weidershehen

2007-02-16T02:06:00.000+08:00

A time will come for us... Until then we will bide our time.

2007-02-16T01:31:00.000+08:00

We built this mask without,
To conceal who we truely are within.
We gave our hearts to gain power,
We've become the embodiment of instinct.

We are who we want to be, we live a lie.
Living the lie we lose our souls, we have sacrificed.
Our existance is formless.

We have no form, therefore we fear it.

And because we are formless, we revere it.

Thus, we are slain

2007-02-15T00:42:00.000+08:00

V-day is over. Why do people seem to place so much importance on this day? It has no real significance. It serves no real purpose other than as a commercial opportunity for merchants to take advantage of. But people the world over know the date by heart, and will go to great pains to prepare for and celebrate this day.

But what about the OTHER V-days? VE-day and VJ-day? They are more significant, and have by far had a greater impact on our lives than a silly day where we allow ourselves to be fleeced by discerning merchants. I'll bet nearly all of you reading this don't even know what VE and VJ-day is, what it signifies, and what it means to us. For the said uninformed, let me enlighten you.

VE day is the abbrevation of Victory in Europe Day. It falls on the 8th of May, and it marks, in Europe, the end of the most devastating war the world has ever seen. For the morons who still don't know what i'm refering to, VE Day marks the day the Third Reich fell, and the day Nazi Germany was formally defeated. If there's anyone who thinks this wouldn't make life very different for us, just imagine this: Imagine that the Japanese occupation never ended, and we're still living under the rule of the Japanese. "Unrealistic" you say, "impossible" you cry. Well, think again. The British only came back for us and the Japanese only surrendered because they were standing alone in the last months of the war. Should Germany not have fallen, the Allies and the Russians would not have been able to spare the resources or the men to defeat the Japanese. Europe would have been under the influence of the Nazi party, and the genocidal acts against the Jews would have gone on. Does that tell you a little more about why VE day has a significance to us Singaporeans as well?

Here's a link to a clip of Winston Churchill, then Prime Minister of Britain, announcing the end of the war in Europe. http://www.statsbiblioteket.dk/dlh/ak/htdocs/play.php?postid=385

Now to VJ day. As you ought to have guessed by now, it means Victory over Japan Day. It falls on the 15th of August, and this is even more relevant to Singaporeans. Yet i can tell you confidently that nearly all Singaporeans do not know of or celebrate in anyway this day. Sure we "celebrate" or "commemorate" total defence day, but how many of us really remember what it means? How many of us really understand that more than 45 million men, women and children died so that we are able to live free from Facism? Some of us bitch about our government, but its far better than a facist one. Needless to say this is a matter which should be close to our hearts.

We have forgotten the day which mark the death of Facism, forgotten the day when the people no longer feared the government; instead the government feared the people.Instead we choose to remember and lavishly commemorate, year after year, the day on which we get suckered of our money by merchants and corporations who know all too well the commercial opportunity this day opens up. If you still think that VE Day and VJ Day are unimportant, than please, let the day slip by unnoticed. But if you truely feel that those days mark the end of years of death and suffering, and the beginning of a better life for us, then I beeseech you to tell your family, and your friends, jsut to remember, that there are some V-Days which mean far more than Valentine's Day.

2007-02-13T02:31:00.000+08:00

I'm annoyed. I'm supposed to be writing a speech now, but you keep appearing in my mind, distracting my thoughts from the task at hand. I can't quite get you out of my mind, my mind seems fixated upon you. Confounded annoyance. I suppose this is the result of not having enough work to keep my mind occupied. Oh well. Back to work.

Auf weidersehen

2007-02-13T02:30:00.000+08:00

We have no form, therefore we fear it.

And because we are formless, we revere it.

Thus, we are slain

2007-02-12T14:36:00.000+08:00

Strangely, i feel alot more at ease with the current state of things. At least thats for this point in time. Maybe its the lack of specific external disturbances to stir up any lingering resentment. Anyway i really need to get rid of some of that rubbish i've been allowing to run through my mind. It's really annoying, the way it can get me down with the slightest provocation. Considering that I'm not exactly the flavour of the month at the moment, perhaps i should begin changing my behavioural patterns to the predetermined one. But thats a bit drastic. Oh well, i've got nothing to post about anyway. I'm just doing a filler post for the sake of it.

2007-02-10T01:27:00.000+08:00

Man i really need to think before i write. I think the two posts i deleted were potentially troublesome, so what the heck was i thinking when i wrote them... zzz oh well.
Auf weidersehen

2007-02-05T22:45:00.000+08:00

As Glenn has said, the recent SU Exco retreat has been quite an eye opener. I've seen how things are done Alvin's way, and i quite agree with much of it. And as in Glenn's case, i too wanted the approval of the President, as well as all the other Excos before i made the intellectual leap and decided to run.

Alvin's right. There is this fire that the Union ignited in me. I feel lost without the thought that i am in the Union. And the thought of having the Union in the hands of others who don't know or love the Union as some of us do, thats unthinkable. The vision required to be part of the team that leads the Union, i think i have it. Whether it is a vision that will help keep the Union up and bring it even higher, that remains to be seen. But without a doubt, i want the Union to prosper and continue doing things for the good of students.

His talk wouldn't quite clasify as a motivational speech, but it did quite give us an idea of how big the responsibilities of an Exco will be. And i believe that as heavy as the load will be, the passion to lead the Union onwards will sustain us through, complementing our abilities. Sacrifices were mentioned, sacrifices have already been made. I know i can up the ante on my sacrifices, given the fact that the Union is just about everything to me. The elections are still months away, but already the talk is going round about the contenders and their worthiness. Just goes to show how much it means to be a part of the 13 seats.

Thats enough for now, as much as i want to continue i'm supposed to be discussing my presentation for tmr now. Auf weidersehen, and i sure as hell hope i get the chance to contribute to the Union from one of those 13 seats.

2007-02-05T02:38:00.000+08:00

Love for the Union, check

Vision for the Union, errr check

Favourable feedback from Exco, check

Intent to run, check

Allies in running, check

Confidence in winning, errrrr Houston we have a problem...

TPSU is becoming my life in TP...

Auf weidersehen

2007-01-30T00:19:00.000+08:00

Things seem to have blown over. Now that the issue has stale mated itself, I can turn my attention to the sorry state of affairs of my projects and the OTHER issue which has troubled me so.

Auf weidersehen.

2007-01-22T22:03:00.000+08:00

What do you do when you hit a limit within, when you lose all pretense of civility? what happens when you get pushed to the edge by those you once cared for and loved? Who's there to tell you they're there for you still? That it doesn't matter who says what to you, that when you've reached journey's end, all that you've sacrificed and given for their sake is appreciated. Who's there to say that for all the mistakes i've made, i was never that far from their minds. People think I'm just your average joe, without the talent or personality to stand a notch above the rest, as they think they do. Perhaps they do. Maybe I am a lesser being as compared to them. But what if, just if, what if i'm not? I've worked hard to be who people want me to be. I've tried to excel at what i do, I've tried to be diplomatic. But it hasn't worked. I'm reaping what i've sown, which is deception, lies and betrayals. I tried to ease your transition back, but you turned around and shot me when i tried to pull myself back up. I've fallen, oh yes i've fallen. I've fallen all the way back down to the shadows and i doubt i'll be able to climb back up anymore. I've reached my limit, its beyond my physical and mental abilities to simply dish out my forgiveness and make my way slowly back up like i've done before. You're good, really good.

Betrayer.

In truth it was i who was betrayed.

Still i am hunted

Still i am hated

You helped engineer my fall from grace, and you clipped my wings to ensure i would never be able to rise. But I will seek to remind you, that even after i've fallen, i can still rise again like the proverbial phoenix of myth. I seek to remind you, that Lucifer fell from grace as well, and remember who Lucifer became. Even whilst i wallow in the shadows i'll be getting my own back. Watch out for it, Betrayer. You may soon find yourself reaching the pinnacle, but remember, once you're there, there's no where to go but down. And by George we're going to bring you back down to Earth.

After alls been said and done, its time to change. Many will not like this persona i've morphed into, but thats just too bad isn't it? Without a glimmer of hope for the near future, perhaps its time to pay the piper. The time for you to pity yourself has come and gone, worm. You've had your share of support to bring you up, so come on back down to play, bitch. The dogs will be waiting. You gave no quarter, so you can expect none.

Auf weidersehen

The frigid darkness descends upon you,

and you see now that you needed us to keep the light to you

2007-01-19T20:00:00.000+08:00

things aren't improving, but it doesn't quite matter.